My cat is possessed

Yesterday my cat Rowan aka the dingleberry was sleeping on the bed and his head was on backwards. Visual evidence below. I think he may need an exorcism. He has been staring at the Mrs. and I lately giving us the evil eye. He may have the devil inside of him, it is probably living inside his butt. I am not going in there to retrieve it. He is staring at me with evil intent as I write this. Creeeeeeepy.

He also likes to lay around like he is dead, it is freaky. I have to poke him to make sure that he is alive then he gets mad and gives me dirty looks. He also keeps sending me text messages saying he’s going to kill me in my sleep. He has been licking me a lot lately as well, probably tasting me because he’s planning on eating me after he kills me.

Here he is pretending to be dead again.

He is also very lazy and lays around the house all day and doesn’t do anything productive. He is also a freeloader who mooches off of us for food and shelter, he doesn’t even have a  job. I told him the other day that he needed to get a job and he just looked at me like I was crazy and started licking his butt.

Rowan likes to eat leaves, string, Easter grass, and plants. He does lots of stupid things, the other day he got his head stuck in a plastic bag. A couple months ago he stayed at Swedish Falcon and Professor S the Magnificent”s house and had to be locked up in the bathroom because he kept chasing their cats and eating their poisonous house plants because he is bad. He even attacked the Swedish Falcon and her cat Muffin attacked him. He is normally a mild mannered cat that likes lots of attention.

And other times he’s just craaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Douchebag and Associates

There is a local doctor who I am going to call Dr. Douchebag, he is a psychiatrist that the Mrs. used to see, or at least thought she was going to see. A typical appointment takes place between an hour to 2 hours after the time your appointment is scheduled.  Though that is typical of most doctors. What exactly are they doing that makes it impossible for them to see you within a reasonable time frame? They can’t be with patients the whole time because most of them spend roughly five minutes in the room with you after you’ve been sitting there for at least half an hour. I think they have hidden cameras set up in the office and they watch you wait impatiently and document your behavior like a lab rat.

Anyway, back to Dr. Douchebag. After waiting an excruciating amount of time in the lobby where the only open seat is a couch with urine stains all over it, the Mrs. finally gets to see somebody. She goes back to be seen by the intake person who is the most unproffessional psychiatric assistant I’ve ever seen. She overreacts after each question with commentary like “no way!” and “what the hell?!” Which you typically don’t say after asking a person about their mental health. After this whole ordeal is over we find out the Dr. isn’t even in his office and is unable to see her.

She has another appointment a few weeks later, again waiting 2 hours in the cramped waiting room on the urine stained couch. The Mrs. is seen by one of the Dr.’s associates because apparently he is too busy to actually meet with clients at his own practice. After another visit the Mrs. finally gets fed up with the office and cancels here next appointment and services. The receptionist said that she closed out her file.

Now a month later they charge us $90 for a missed visit plus another $240 because the associate she saw was supposedly out of our health insurance network. So today I call the billing office and they have no record of her ever cancelling the appointment and she is still listed in their file. They refuse to waive the bill because we didn’t have the name of the receptionist she talked to or know the exact time and date that she called. Plus they are still charging us the $240 even though the Mrs. had an appointment with the Dr. not his associate and nobody bothered to tell us that we would be billed by the associate who is out of our network and not under Dr. Douchebag’s name, who is part of our network. Who makes up these rules anyway?

Seriously, as if they aren’t making enough money already, they have to nickle and dime you for crap you shouldn’t have to pay for. I am not sure what this doctor actually gets paid for anyway considering he obviously doesn’t see any patients.  I would like to open up my own doctors office someday and invite all of the crappy doctors to come to me. I would charge them all 2,000 dollars per visit after making them wait in the grossest waiting room possible for 3 hours then when I finally see them I’m going to take a steaming dump on their chests and rub it in with my bare buttocks.