I’m famous now

So I submitted my yearbook picture to www.awkwardschoolpictures.com and they put it on the front page and they kept my title and quote as well. Awesome! I have no idea why I thought it was a good idea to have a Star Wars themed yearbook picture nor do I know why I had several copies made and gave them out to people. Several years ago me and the Mrs.’s old roommate had a cake made with this picture on it. It is kind of embarrassing but it is also hilarious. Why did I even own an Episode 1 t-shirt? Even I hated that movie. Not sure what kind of theme the photographer was going for at the time. I was surrounded by little Star Wars action figures which were dwarfed by how tall I was, as well as the Empire Strikes Back poster. Very awkward lightsaber placement as well. That’s what I get for going to a photographer that has a studio in his basement, there was nothing creepy or misleading about that.

At least I didn’t dress up like a jedi or stormtrooper or something lame like that. Was that the best background that the guy had? There is really nothing sci-fi about it whatsoever. And it kind of looks like I am not even standing on solid ground the ground just kind of blends in with the background. There are so many things wrong with this picture that I cannot even fathom.

 

My cat loves the coffee pot even though he doesn’t drink coffee

The dingleberry has behavioral problems. He keeps jumping up on the kitchen counter and sitting next to the coffee pot and toaster which doesn’t make any sense. He also has been moving his girlfriend the fake cat all over the living room. He has currently pushed it underneath the tea cart where he can’t even reach it anymore. He also attacked a cat ornament that was hanging on the entertainment center and started kicking it around the house and molesting it with his tongue. I had to hide it from him. I made the mistake of giving him catnip last night and he has been cracked out ever since. Good thing I have to go to work tonight, the Mrs. can put up with his bizarre behaviors. She has bizarre behaviors as well so those 2 are made for each other. She told me to write that so she can’t complain. She thought that last night’s Yeti blog was stupid.

I took the dingleberry to the vet today to get him weighed because he used to be underweight now he is going to be overweight soon if he keeps gaining weight like he has been. He is almost up to 10 pounds now. He was seven pounds a few months ago. He keeps eating his senior food very loudly, it is like crack to him. He is the loudest eater I know other than myself. Hopefully he will be able to stop taking his steroid medication because he doesn’t like taking it and acts like a little bitch every time I have to give it to him. He always tries to spit it out then I just have to make him take it again. He is worse than an old lady in a nursing home.

“FDR is trying to poison me”

Wouldn’t it be cool to be a Yeti

Yetis are awesome, they are so much better than their lame cousin the sasquatch. Have you ever seen Harry and the Hendersons? You don’t see any family friendly comedies starring a Yeti. If you invited a Yeti into your house it would tear your arms out of their sockets then eat your children. If you were a Yeti you could rob a bank and what can they do about it? Nothing because you are 8 feet tall and eat people’s faces for fun. If I were a Yeti I would become the president and would rule the world like Al Pacino in Scarface and run around with an M16 with a rocket launcher on it and have a mountain of crack as high as the Himalayas which would look just like my native homeland.

This is a sasquatchThis is a yeti

Which one will cause you to have a Hershey candy bar in your pants? Exactly.

The only crappy thing about being a Yeti is that you would have to live in the mountains where it is cold, you would be covered in fur, but I think you would still get pretty frosty in the winter time. I would need a cabin with a fire place and a hot tub then I would invite over all of my Yeti girlfriends and have crazy hot tub parties.

Meanwhile, Bigfoot is sitting around the forest getting pedicures, a perm, and watching Golden Girls like a sissy. Bigfoot is a giant pussy, a Yeti would rip him in half with his mouth. The only thing that a Yeti fears is Yukon Cornelius because if he catches you he will make you his slave and make you decorate Christmas trees. But Yukon Cornelius is the biggest badass on the planet so it’s OK.

Yukon Cornelius and his Yeti slave on a leash, there is something kind of disturbing about this actually but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

This post does not have a title, this is the title, deal with it

Today I nearly choked to death on a piece of rock candy that the Mrs. brought me home from West Virginia. She probably did that on purpose because she is trying to kill me for my life insurance, although I keep telling her my policy is only good for $20. All that will buy her is a matinee movie ticket and a small popcorn. Maybe it’s more like 30’000 but that will not buy much since I am going to have an elaborate funeral with a fancy solid gold sarcophagus and a Metallica tribute band, it will also be catered by Chipotle. My body will also be mummified . I am also going to be cryogenically frozen, but just my head. I will be wearing a three piece suit made out of great white shark skin. I do not care that it is a rare shark and it probably is not legal to hunt it and collect it’s skin, I am going to be wearing one because it is already in my will. Here is a picture of what my sarcophagus is going to look like, however it will be more elaborate than this one, it is the only picture that I could find on Google Image search that comes close enough to what I require.

 

 

It is also going to be guarded by giant robots with chainsaws that shoot lasers out of their nipples. Because it will likely attract grave robbers because it is made out of solid gold. It will also be surrounded by molten hot lava and alligators. My wife and my cat are going to be buried with me, if they are still alive at the time of my demise, they shall be buried alive along with me and encased in carbonite like Han Solo in the Empire Strikes Back. I am also going to be buried in outer space on a distant planet that is going to be named after me. I do not know how I am going to finance all of this yet, especially with only 30 grand. But one day this will be accomplished, mark my words.

The Mrs. is home from vacation

I am glad that the Mrs. is back from her fabulous West Virginia adventures with her family. I am jealous that I was unable to attend the festivities there but unfortunately I had to go to work and make money to support the Mrs. and the dingleberry. The Mrs. goes back to work on Thursday, she works at a school so she doesn’t work during the summer where as I have to work year round like a sucker. She is also starting school on Monday and she’s taking a class that I took, I got a 4.0 in that class. If she doesn’t get a 4.0 in it I am going to ridicule her mercilessly. Today was my last day babysitting Pork and Beans, aka Muffin for the Swedish Falcon. She will probably run away from me next time she sees me. Pork and Beans also got a new rabbits foot to match her other rabbits foot that she is obsessed with. Now she has double the rabbits feet and double the fun.

The dingleberry is insane and he is stupid. He keeps trying to get in the window in the bedroom and he is going to ruin the blinds. Him and his step brother ruined the blinds in our old place and we had to throw them out because they utterly destroyed by cats.

The Mrs. brought me some awesome gifts from West Virginia, I got some rock candy, a bottle of raspberry wine, and a jar of pumpkin butter, as well as a bag of marshmallows that I have already devoured half of. I have a soft spot for marshmallows, they are like crack to me, fluffy sugary crack.

In a few minutes Bitchin Kitchen is going to be on so I have got to go. It is like the most horrible cooking show ever but I can’t stop watching it for some reason, probably because it is too hardcore.

Pork and Beans

I have been going to the in-law’s house this week to check on their cat while they are on vacation. Their cat, Muffin, is usually antisocial and runs away whenever people come near her, and she always seems like she’s about to bite somebody’s nuts off. However, today she actually let me pet her which was weird, maybe she was lonely or maybe because I have been feeding her and giving her treats. She usually hides in the attic when I come over because she’s weird, the attic is probably the hottest room in their house. The last two days she has been hanging out at the doorway of the master bedroom guarding a red rabbits foot keychain like it was some kind of animal she had hunted.

Here’s a picture of her looking cute, I normally would have said something mean about her out of spite, but I’m not because she was actually nice to me for once:

This was obviously taken in the winter, but it was the only picture I could find on this computer.

On Sunday, I went to my nephew’s baptism, I felt a little nervous going into the church because I half expected to burst into flames. And to make it worse I was wearing a vampire t-shirt underneath my dress shirt that a pair of fangs on it and the words “Bite Me”. I had to wear the most church inappropriate thing that I owned, just because. The priest sprayed me with holy water during the ritual which I think he did on purpose because he suspected me of being a vampire. Luckily the burns have healed from where I got splashed.

Attack of the pugs

Yesterday I went to my nephew’s baptism in Columbus. The Mrs. left from there to go to West Virginia to vacation with her family for the week. My parents, Squirrel Queen and Sleeping Jesus drove me home along with their pug Mimi who molested me with her tongue the majority of the car ride home.

When we got to my apartment they came in to use the facilities and brought Mimi in with them. My cat Rowan is apparently deathly afraid of pugs, since you know pugs are so scary. Mimi started chasing him around the house and he completely flipped out. He ran into the bedroom and jumped onto the bed, Mimi followed him on the bed and he took off towards the living room. He tried to hide in the balcony window like an idiot and Mimi instantly found him, he jumped about a foot into the air head first into the window then ran over to the couch and sat on top of it and started hissing and acting like Gollum from Lord of The Rings.

Rowan stayed on top of the couch for several hours afraid to move, long after my parents and Mimi had left. He has been avoiding walking on the floor ever since. He keeps sitting on the counter top in the kitchen and looking around for pugs, he is so stupid.

Here is Mimi looking vicious, so scary!

Paula Deen is trying to kill you

Paula Deen is crazy. She makes disgusting food and her show is annoying, y’all. Here is a disgusting recipe of hers on the Food Network website. The Mrs. watches a lot of Food Network  and The Cooking Channel and Paula Deen makes me want to douse myself in butter and light myself on fire, although she would probably eat me afterwards. This is a hamburger with eggs and bacon on it, and it is served with donuts instead of a bun. Gross!

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paulas-home-cooking/the-ladys-brunch-burger-recipe/index.html

The most disgusting part about it is the hamburger because I hate ground beef. Otherwise I might consider eating it.

Another recipe of hers is a ham and banana casserole, who in the blue hell puts ham, bananas, eggs, butter, and cheese together? Other than my dad, Sleeping Jesus, who could have a cooking show on par with Paula Deen. He often mixes cream of mushroom soup with oysters and hot dogs. He even has cooked hot dogs and corn in the same pot, and the corn tasted like hot dogs and he drinks butter milk straight out of the carton. Here is a link to Paula Deen’s grosserole:

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/cheesy-ham-and-banana-casserole-recipe/index.htmlAs much as I love bananas, this is just too disgusting for my tastes.

Tomorrow I am going to be riding in the car with my parent’s pug, Mimi for over 2 hours, she is going to molest my ears, I just hope that she has not feasted on her own feces lately. Here is a picture of her in a cowboy outfit, you can tell she loves wearing it.

I like to paint toenails and I like candy as well

Today I went to the candy store to buy candy. I got some sour sprees and banana saltwater taffy and it is delicious. I have been on a sugar high for the passed several hours along with my Amp energy drink. The dingleberry has been running around the house like a psycho, I think he has been eating my candy. Bad cat! That candy is all mine you jerk!

I went shopping with the Mrs. today and she got some fingernail polish. Then when we got home I painted her toenails and did a fantastic job, I even picked out the polish and it matches her new dress that she is going to wear this weekend to our nephew’s baptism. I hope I don’t burst into flames at the church because I live with Satan (the dingleberry). Here is a picture of her toenails so you can see how good I am at painting toenails and that is a very heterosexual thing.

Yes, that is a giant pig in the background. I know you’re jealous of my toenail painting skills.

Today while out running errands a cart boy at Target ran out in front of my car, I totally wasn’t ignoring the stop sign. He almost got ran over but luckily he ran out of the way so I didn’t have to throw him in my trunk and bury him in the woods. We were out shopping for a picnic we are going to tomorrow. I made a delicious Quinoa salad and it is amazing. Got a busy weekend coming up. The Mrs. and is going to be gone all next week and the dingleberry and I are going to party.  Yay!!!