Terrible Action Figures

I have found some of the worst action figures ever made, some are lame while others are just plain retarded. Unfortunately I have owned some of these in the past.

Charred Owen Lars and Aunt Beru from Star Wars

Remember in the first Star Wars when Luke Skywalker’s aunt and uncle get murdered by stormtroopers and lit on fire? They actually made an “action figure” of their charred remains. Disturbing and how are kids really supposed to play with these things?

Fisto from Masters of the Universe

I owned this toy when I was a kid. He Man had some lame characters that were made into action figures. Look at this guy: He isn’t wearing pants, he has a plastic removable tank-top, and a giant metal fist. Keep in mind that every Masters of the Universe action figure had the same body and the same tiny underpants, they just changed the color. There has to be an x-rated lesbian version of Fisto in existence somewhere.

Batman on Skis 

They make tons of stupid Batman toys but this is one of the worst. Batman on bright orange skis and has a matching batsuit that is made to blend in with the snow. If he was trying to blend in with the snow, bright orange skis and poles would completely defeat the purpose. He also apparently is wearing a jetpack. This doesn’t even make sense. If you had a jetpack you wouldn’t need skis, plus the heat from the pack would melt the snow.

Candyman 3 Action Figure

The concept of a Candyman action figure isn’t a bad idea. Candyman was a pretty decent horror movie, but they made an action figure for Candyman 3 which is arguably when the Candyman movies really started to go downhill.

Obsessive Compulsive Action Figure

I actually would buy this one because it is so stupid. Comes complete with a removable surgical mask and moist towelette, the figure is also wearing latex gloves. Awesome!

Samurai Darth Vader

Why does this even exist? It makes no sense for Darth Vader to be a samurai, he isn’t even Japanese. Plus he is from outer space where samurais don’t even exist. Plus it is just a stupid looking samurai figure with a mask, there is nothing about it that really screams “Darth Vader”. He kind of looks like Shredder from the Ninja Turtles.

 Walrus Guy from Star Wars

It’s the guy that gets his arm cut off in the first Star Wars. They really put a lot of effort into this one. I used to own this one, I didn’t buy it, someone left it in the alley behind my grandma’s house because it was such a lame toy.

Dr. Mindbender from GI Joe

I owned this one as well. Terrible terrible costume. He is a middle aged bald man with a monocle, he is also shirtless and wearing bright purple pants and suspenders. He also came with a removable cape that totally accentuated the fact that he was designed by complete morons. His mustache was pretty bitchin though.


This is another Masters of the Universe action figure that I owned. Notice it has the exact same body as Fisto but with a different head and body color? The worst thing about this toy was the fact that it stunk. It actually was made to smell like a skunk, it stunk so bad that it made all the toys that I put in the box with it smell like it. It was a little too realistic for my tastes. I also liked how his plastic tank top is covering his nose like he can’t even stand his own smell. He also comes with a handgun and a shield, that is a totally nonsensical combination.

Moss Man

Another Masters of the Universe action figure that was supposed to be realistic. It had a fuzzy body that was supposed to resemble moss. Just what every kid needs, an action figure that is able to collect as much bacteria as humanly possible.

ET Finger Light

This isn’t an action figure but it is just too messed up not to share. It’s supposed to look like ET’s finger but it just looks like a sex toy. Seriously, if you were a kid and were caught playing with this at school they would immediately call your parents and ask WTF is going on.

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