Here are some of the grosses gadgets and weird things available on the internet for you to purchase, or not, because they are pretty disgusting, even to me which is saying something.
1. Hairy Underwear
It is underwear with fake pubes printed on them. Not sure why anyone would actually wear these, especially since the only people who would probably see them are people you are hoping to have coitus with. Unless they have a hairy fetish and you have alopecia, then you are awesome for being supportive.
2. Vagina Halloween Costume
Because everyone says you look like a giant pussy anyway.
3. G-Spot Computer Mouse
Get the clitoris mouse to go along with it, then you can leave them in a drawer somewhere and never be able to find them (just like in real life). At least that’s been my experience anyway…
4. Boob Radio
“Turn her on”
This is one of the most unsexy boob-shaped products that I have ever seen, and trust me I’ve seen a lot of boob-shaped products. It doesn’t even resemble a pair of realistic boobs and is just kind of creepy.
5. Hands Free Urinal
There are so many things wrong with this.
1. The possibility of it accidentally ripping off your penis.
2. The hands would have to be sterilized after every use, which they probably aren’t. Hello gonorrhea.
3. The fact that it has been used as a masturbation aid more times than it has been used as a urinal, and read # 1 &2 again.
6. Anus pencil sharpeners
Simulate anal sex and bestiality while you sharpen your pencils. The female one I kind of understand, but WTF is up with the cat one?
7. Boobs Stress Chest
Another awkward product shaped like an unsexy pair of fake boobs. Oh Spencer’s Gifts, you have such a unique and terrible line of boob-shaped products. It’s like the only store in the mall that caters to 60 year old perverts who have never touched real boobs without jail-time.
8. Sandal Bottle Openers
These are cool until you step into a big pile of dog shit and it gets embedded in the small crevices of the bottle opener which you will never be able to get completely free of feces. You will still continue to use it though when you’re desperate enough, admit it!
9. Pee-On Customizable Urinal Screen Kit
If you took the time to get a picture of your boss and emboss it onto a urinal screen, then took it to work and replaced the used urinal screen with your bare hands for something that will only be funny for maybe one day. You either deserve a raise or you need to be fired immediately, and either one would be totally justifiable.
10. Chewbacca Book Bag
This is pretty awesome actually, but then I imagine a really short person wearing it and looking like they are being sexually assaulted by Chewbacca. Which makes it 1000 times more awesome than it originally was.
11. iPood USB Stick
It’s a USB drive that looks like a giant turd. Seriously, would anyone really buy this thing and use it?
12. Designer Beaver
It is like those Wooly Willy toys where you move the metal shavings around with a magnetic wand and draw facial hair on a guys face, except it’s a vagina. You can use it to teach your kids about the evolution of pubic hair in porno movies from the 1970’s to the 2000’s.
It’s speakers that look like a giant pair of butt-cheeks. At least it isn’t shaped like a pair of boobs.
If you bought any of these things, or if you plan on buying them you are probably either completely insane or your the lead singer for the band Seether. Either way, great purchases!
If you are Shaun Morgan, keep up the good work, bro.