Spent Most Of Yesterday Evening In The Hospital

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling OK, then a few hours after going to work I started feeling more and more sick. Like a typical guy I decided to stick it out and finish out the day. Probably wasn’t a good idea. By the time I got home I had a temperature of 101 and was extremely dehydrated from the fever. The Mrs. took me to the emergency room because I looked awful and was making less sense than usual. I had some kind of low grade strep plus I was dizzy and had chills and other fun stuff.

They hooked me up to an IV which was the worst part because I hate needles. At least I only had to take my shirt off, it was nothing like that awkward physical I had a few months ago that I am NEVER going to talk about ever again. Who the fuck checks your testicles when you’re 30? Happy thoughts, happy thoughts. Anyway, I felt better after the IV and they put me on antibiotics. Had to take a few days off of work because apparently whatever I have is contagious. My throat is still sore and feeling a little weak but other than that, I feel much better. I just have to drink plenty of fluids.

Here is a picture of me posing dramatically in the ER to make myself look even more pathetic than I actually was looking.

12 Awful Clocks That Make No Sense

 

I hate alarm clocks, they are the devil. I hate the morning until I have some kind of caffeinated beverage to wake me up.  If you hate the dreaded sound of the alarm clock waking you up from a peaceful night’s sleep, then you will definitely hate having to look at these hideous clocks as they wake you up in the morning.

1. Vietnam Wall Clock

It’s a clock shaped like Vietnam, 100% guaranteed to give your grandpa flashbacks to the 1960′s of his platoon getting their legs blown off in the jungle. Fun times for all!

2. Grenade Alarm Clock

This alarm clock definitely needs to be paired with the above Vietnam wall clock. It is shaped like a grenade, you have to pull the pin out of it and throw it across the room to make the alarm go off. That seems like a lot of work to go through in the morning. But be prepared to laugh hysterically when you surprise your war veteran relatives with PTSD by throwing a this puppy in their bed at 4 in the morning. Be amused by their feeble attempts to obliterate their imaginary enemies with your fake grenade then watch them cry themselves back to sleep. Fun for the whole family!

3. Stripper Alarm Clock

Like tacky alarm clocks? Are you sexually attracted to tiny plastic women wearing lingerie that awkwardly spin around in circles on a pole? Then this clock is for you! She doesn’t even take her clothes off, her bra and panties aren’t even removable, I researched it. Total ripoff.

You're better off spending the $20 on a real stripper. At least then you are surrounded by other men that reek of loneliness and desperation...and real titties.

4. Bacon Cooking Alarm Clock

This one is actually pretty awesome, it’s an alarm clock that cooks bacon and has it ready for you to eat when the alarm goes off. Too bad it’s a total fire hazard. You know what the best remedy is for 3rd degree burns? Delicious bacon.

My cat would totally have that thing eaten before I even rolled over to shut the alarm off.

5. Carpet Alarm Clock

You have to get out of bed and stand on it to shut the alarm off. Too bad I lack the coordination in the morning to step on it. I also lack an actual bed, it’s pretty hard to get up and stand on something when you sleep on a mattress that’s laying on the bare floor. Fuck that.

Also, it totally doesn't match my decor.

6. Dumbell Alarm Clock

You have to exercise to shut the alarm clock first thing in the morning? Oh hell no.

7. Glowing Pillow Alarm Clock

That just looks annoying as hell. Plus I drool in my sleep too much to have anything electronic that plugs into an electrical outlet anywhere near my mouth at night.

8. Laser Target Alarm Clock

Seems like a good idea until you lose the gun or the batteries run out, then this thing is getting chucked out the window.

A real gun would work so much better.

9. Flying Alarm Clock

When the alarm goes off, the top of the alarm flies off of the base and takes off across the room. You then have to re-attach it in order to shut off the alarm. My cat would totally take off with the top of it and hide it underneath the couch. Another situation where a real gun would come in handy.

10. Pizza Wall Clock

This would be cool if it didn’t look like the most disgusting dollar store microwavable pizza imaginable.

Looks almost good enough for a homeless drug addict to eat out of a dumpster, almost.

11. Brady Bunch Wall Clock

Are  you a fan of the Brady Bunch? Are you a big enough fan of the Brady Bunch to buy a clock that has the most awkward looking photos of the  Brady kids randomly placed around the face of it? If so, I hope we never meet.

It's ironic because they are all old, out of work, and most of them probably have drug problems. Far out!

12. Awkward Nativity Scene Wall Clock

My favorite part is Michael Jackson on the far right peering into baby Jesus's crib like a pedophile.

Religion Themed Sex Toys Are Disturbing As Hell

I was browsing the internet yesterday and happened to come across one of the most disturbing albeit awesome sites on the internet: divine-interventions.com that is dedicated to the sale of religious sex toys.

The pictures below are captioned with actual quotes from the website, just because they are just as hilarious as anything I could come up with myself.

Jackhammer Jesus

It is a dildo that is shaped like Jesus getting crucified on a giant blue penis-shaped cross

"Jesus was a carpenter, now he’s the powertool. He’s the baddest and the best in all of Nazareth. The Jackhammer Jesus has just one safety rule: Feet first, feet first, not the head, ya fool."

 

Buddha’s Delight

Apparently this site doesn’t just cater to Christians, it even has a dildo shaped like Buddha for all you Buddhists out there that have always wanted to stick a likeness of Buddha up their lady hole.

"After a thousand years of praying, fasting and endless incarnations, Buddha finally gets to be... a dildo. To Buddha’s unending delight, he’s generously endowed with enough to pleasure even the most enlightened. Now that Nirvana is within reach, grasp it wisely, firmly, and with intent, rub his belly. Rub it again, meditatively."

Baby Jesus Butt Plug

This is one of the most disturbing things I have ever seen. I mean, it’s a butt plug shaped like Baby Jesus, doesn’t get more fucked up than that.

"When you woke up this morning you know that something was missin in your life.
It wasn't the new car, the new job, the boyfriend or the girlfriend. But now you know: it's the Baby Jesus Butt Plug.
Slap him on the dashboard. Use him as the ultimate pacifier or make Baby Jesus the centerpiece of your magnificent Dildo Creche."

The Devil

It is a dildo shaped like the Devil, my personal favorite.

"Too many twinkies? Made a pact you regret sober?
Turn the tables and get the irresistable Devil Dildo! Kegelize the Prince of Darkness into submission! Put him where the sun don't shine til he accedes that you're the Master of the Universe!
This boy is so sturdy we've used him to bushwack rainforests, tenderize baby seal and satisfy old ladies in dark alleys."

 

Virgin Mary Dildo

Not sure who would actually want to purchase yet alone use a Virgin Mary shaped dildo, but probably not someone whom I would want to know. Most people probably wouldn’t want to know them either which is probably why they would have a need for a Virgin Mary shaped dildo anyway.

"Hail Mary!
Virgin Mary like most smart women knows there is a Second Coming. And a Third. And a Fourth.
So give the Lucky Virgin what she wants!
"The Mother is.... Superior."

 

Bible Thumper

It is shaped like the bible but there is a hole in the bottom of it to stick your penis in. Perhaps the most unsexy masturbation device I have ever seen.

"Honey, what's that thing stickin' out of your Bible belt?
Lay your hands on this, Jimmy!
What makes Tammy scream and Jim run for cover?
It's a Halleluiah booty thumping,
Howlin' and a humpin',
Pentacostal rumpus, fire lickin',
guaranteed-to-be-the-quickest-way-to-learn-yourself-a new tongue-in' product. "

 

God’s Immaculate Rod

I always wondered what God’s penis looked like. Okay, not really.

""Thy rod and thy staff shall comfort me..." ~ Psalm 23
Find out what Mary felt, the night that she conceived...
Sitting in the lap of the Holy Ghost on God's Immaculate Rod.
"If His rod feels this good, I can't imagine what His staff must feel like!!!"
~ Very satisfied customer"

Holy Water Lube

I wonder if it helps scare away vampire penises.

"Warding off dryness since 159 B.C.
Jesus wept but you don't have to.
Don't spend forty days and forty nights in the desert!
Bless your sweet pootang and dip that ass in the Water of LIFE!
Baptize that John and make it an upright Christian!
Hide the Pulpit with the speed of an Olympic luge!
Don't just give into temptation...Slide into it..and out of it..and into it."

There were a couple other interesting toys on this site that I didn’t include such as a nun shaped dildo, a Shiva butt plug, and a grim reaper dildo. This site seems like a joke but apparently they actually do sell all of these items. And for only 50 cents extra you can get all the above dildos and butt plugs in glow in the dark varieties. Wow! What a bargain!

My Cat Likes Princess Balloons

The Mrs. recently became a consultant for Mary Kay, a fellow “team member” gave her some balloons to congratulate her for joining. One of the balloons said princess on it and was shaped like a crown. The dingleberry has been obsessed with this balloon ever since she brought it home. This balloon is very fitting for his personality because he is whiny and very feminine. It goes along well with his hot pink feather boa and his witch hat with purple hair. There is also a big long ribbon attached to the balloon which he has been attacking all day.

Here is a picture of the balloons, the pink hearts and jewels on the  balloon just add to his excitement.

Now here is a shot of him in action attacking the ribbon attached to the balloons, they have been keeping him busy for longer than they rightfully should.

I'm looking forward to cleaning up pieces of vomited ribbon off the floor at 6 in the morning.

 

Speaking of vomit…

I found a dead bug in my ear this evening, it had to have been in their since at least 2 o’clock when I left work this afternoon. That means that it was in my ear for at least 4 hours before I realized it was in there. Gross!

Why Do Cats Puke All Over The Carpet?

This morning I woke up to the sound of my cat puking all over the carpet. It was 20 minutes until my alarm clock was supposed to wake me up, so not only did I miss 20 minutes of precious sleep, I also had to get out of bed and attempt to clean up feline vomit off of the floor. I said attempt because I was so tired and out of it that I ended up just smearing the puke further into the carpet with a paper towel. Too bad the wife already knew that I knew that the cat puked on the floor, that way I could have acted surprised when I came home and she told me there was cat vomit on the floor like I usually do.  At least the caffeine kicked in before I left the house and I made it to work without falling asleep at the wheel and wrecking again, that’s almost 3 months now, a new record!

Anyway, it turns out that the cat threw up at least 3 times this morning and the the Mrs. called the vet who told her to give him some Pepcid for his stomach. He had been whining all day, not sure if it was because he was sick or just because he’s a whiny bastard, because he whines all the time no matter if he is sick or not. The Mrs. also tried to clean up the mess that I made in the morning by smearing the cat vomit into the carpet, still wasn’t able to get it out. Luckily I found the heavy duty pet carpet cleaner underneath the sink and finally got the cat puke stains out of the carpet. Why can’t cats puke in the litter box, or in the kitchen, or on any surface other than the carpet? Don’t they realize how hard that shit is to clean? It’s like they have the intelligence level of cats! Ridiculous!

That pretty much sums things up.

The Local Medical Supply Company Is Run By Specially Trained Chimpanzees

The Mrs. has a C-Pap machine that she no longer needs, so the medical supply company that rented her the machine was supposed to come by today to pick it up. That seems like a pretty easy task, but no, this place is incompetent as hell and is run by complete idiots. The Mrs. got a call from them this morning stating that since she has had the C-Pap machine for several years, she owns it now and they won’t be coming to pick it up. OK, that sounds easy enough, now we don’t have to wait around for them to show up. So the Mrs. takes a nap and during this time someone from the company showed up at our apartment to collect the machine, they leave her a voicemail and a note on the door saying that they are going to come back tomorrow.

This might be forgivable, but they do crap like this ALL the time! It is like nobody that works for this company communicates with each other. A couple months ago they said that they were going to send someone out to make sure the C-Pap was working correctly, the Mrs. told them that this was unnecessary since she no longer used the machine. They said that they would cancel the appointment. I happened to be home that day and they still sent someone in to check out the machine, I let him in and let him do it, but then less than 2 hours later someone else from the same company came by to check it. He was completely unaware that someone from his own company had already come by earlier.  I think that this company is run by a bunch of chimpanzees that sit around in the office and throw poop at each other. However if that were the case, it probably would be run more efficiently. There was also another time that someone from the company called and said that they were going to come by to “calibrate” the C-Pap and then they never showed up and we didn’t hear anything from the company for several months.

So tomorrow there will probably be at least one guy from this company coming to our apartment, even though the Mrs. told them that we would both be at work for the better part of the day, and despite the fact that they don’t even need to come to the house to collect the machine because it is no longer their property. Although, frankly I would gladly give them the machine just so I wouldn’t have to deal with their incompetence anymore.

Stink Bugs Look Like Miniature Turtles But Uglier

The other day I found this ugly bug on the floor, it was walking around my living room trying to steal my money. At first I thought it was a miniature turtle but then I realized it was a bug so I had to kill it and throw it in the trash. The dingleberry didn’t even catch it, he acted like he was afraid of it, stupid cat, what am I even paying him for?

My old cat used to eat spiders off the floor he didn’t even care if they were poisonous, he didn’t give a shit. That’s probably why he’s deceased. I had to look the bug up on the internet, well the Mrs. looked it up on the internet because I was already asleep because I honestly didn’t really care what kind of a bug it was after I realized it wasn’t a turtle and I stopped it from stealing from me.

When I woke up she told me that it was a Stink Bug. They supposedly stink when you kill them except the one that I killed didn’t smell like anything so I sort of doubt the legitimacy of her claim, however it did look just like the picture below.

Ugly little bastard.

 

It looked just like that picture except it was on my carpet and it was all messed up and dead and stuff. I took it to school and showed it who’s boss and smashed it between a paper towel and it was all like “I can’t believe you just killed me, bro. What did I ever do to you?” Then I was like “you broke into my house and were trying to steal my quarters”. Then he was like “touche” then he stopped talking because he was dead and bugs don’t talk. Then I threw it in the garbage and took the garbage to the dumpster where Mr. Rabies the raccoon lives, or used to live, I haven’t seen him lately so he’s probably dead. That’s what he gets for living in the dumpster, the garbage man probably dumped him in the back of his truck and crushed him to death and now his children are fatherless and he is laying in a landfill somewhere. RIP Mr. Rabies.

Mr. Rabies 2011-2012.

13 Gross Gadgets That You Totally Need Right Now

Here are some of the grosses gadgets and weird things available on the internet for you to purchase, or not, because they are pretty disgusting, even to me which is saying something.

1. Hairy Underwear

It is underwear with fake pubes printed on them. Not sure why anyone would actually wear these, especially since the only people who would probably see them are people you are hoping to have coitus with. Unless they have a hairy fetish and you have alopecia, then you are awesome for being supportive.

2. Vagina Halloween Costume

Because everyone says you look like a giant pussy anyway.

3. G-Spot Computer Mouse

Get the clitoris mouse to go along with it, then you can leave them in a drawer somewhere and never be able to find them (just like in real life). At least that’s been my experience anyway…

4. Boob Radio

“Turn her on”

This is one of the most unsexy boob-shaped products that I have ever seen, and trust me I’ve seen a lot of boob-shaped products. It doesn’t even resemble a pair of realistic boobs and is just kind of creepy.

5. Hands Free Urinal

There are so many things wrong with this.

1. The possibility of it accidentally ripping off your penis.

2. The hands would have to be sterilized after every use, which they probably aren’t. Hello gonorrhea.

3. The fact that it has been used as a masturbation aid more times than it has been used as a urinal, and read # 1 &2 again.

6. Anus pencil sharpeners

Simulate anal sex and bestiality while you sharpen your pencils. The female one I kind of understand, but WTF is up with the cat one?

7. Boobs Stress Chest

Another awkward product shaped like an unsexy pair of fake boobs. Oh Spencer’s Gifts, you have such a unique and terrible line of boob-shaped products. It’s like the only store in the mall that caters to 60 year old perverts who have never touched real boobs without jail-time.

8. Sandal Bottle Openers

These are cool until you step into a big pile of dog shit and it gets embedded in the small crevices of the bottle opener which you will never be able to get completely free of feces. You will still continue to use it though when you’re desperate enough, admit it!

9. Pee-On Customizable Urinal Screen Kit

If you took the time to get a picture of your boss and emboss it onto a urinal screen, then took it to work and replaced the used urinal screen with your bare hands for something that will only be funny for maybe one day. You either deserve a raise or you need to be fired immediately, and either one would be totally justifiable.

10. Chewbacca Book Bag

This is pretty awesome actually, but then I imagine a really short person wearing it and looking like they are being sexually assaulted by Chewbacca. Which makes it 1000 times more awesome than it originally was.

11. iPood USB Stick

It’s a USB drive that looks like a giant turd. Seriously, would anyone really buy this thing and use it?

12. Designer Beaver

It is like those Wooly Willy toys where you move the metal shavings around with a magnetic wand and draw facial hair on a guys face, except it’s a vagina. You can use it to teach your kids about the evolution of pubic hair in porno movies from the 1970′s to the 2000′s.

13. Asspeaker

It’s speakers that look like a giant pair of butt-cheeks. At least it isn’t shaped like a pair of boobs.


If you bought any of these things, or if you plan on buying them you are probably either completely insane or your the lead singer for the band Seether. Either way, great purchases!

If you are Shaun Morgan, keep up the good work, bro.

Strange Pet Products

There are always new and exciting inventions that are being marketed for animal lovers. Most of them are completely idiotic and have no logical use whatsoever, in other words, they are completely awesome!

Cat Muzzle

Do you have a cat that is so vicious and loud that you need to put a muzzle on it to keep it quiet? You should probably have it put to sleep. Or you can buy this ridiculous cat muzzle, why does it’s eyes have to covered?

I can't see you, but I can still claw your face off, bitch.

Cat Butt Gum

Why is it peppermint flavored? Seriously when I think of a cat’s butt, the last flavor that I think of is peppermint.  This whole thing just doesn’t make sense. I’ve seen plenty of animal “poop” candy, but gum that comes out of a cats butt? And it’s peppermint flavored?

Only 8 pieces, that is total shit.

Cat-A-Pult

This would be cool if you could launch real cats 15 feet through the air with it. Tiny plastic cats, not so much.

Teaches children that it is OK to torture animals.

Flat Pack Cardboard Toys For Cats

These are pretty awesome,  cardboard boxes shaped like tanks and fighter jets for cats to play in. These would make for awesome youtube videos. Too bad most cats are too stupid to play in them, they are more likely to poop in them instead, which would make for awesome youtube videos…

If cats had real fighter jets and tanks it would be the cutest apocalypse ever.

Kitty Walker

It is an enclosed fence so that you can take your indoor cat outside so it can have all the fun that an outdoor cat can have except in a tiny enclosed space where they can only pace back in forth in. It’s a good thing cats don’t like to jump, climb, run around, or chase things. Oh wait…

Cat Wheel

It is like a hamster wheel, except it’s huge and made for cats. It has no real purpose. You have to distract your cat with a toy to even get them in the thing and the likelihood of them ever actually using this thing are less than 0%.

Who has the room in their house to fit this stupid thing that their cat isn't even going to use? Oh yeah, it also costs over $100.

Pooch Pants

Diapers for dogs.  If cleaning dog shit off of your floor isn’t bad enough, lets put a diaper on your dog so that it can crap itself and you can spend the next hour cleaning dried up pieces of shit out of it’s fur.

It's machine washable? Fantastic, because I totally want to reuses something that my dog took a crap in and put it in the washer with my clothes.

Cell Phone for Pets

It has a GPS locator that would be helpful if your pet ran away, but it’s main function is the ability to call your pet while you are away from home. As if your pet isn’t annoyed by you talking to it like it can understand you while you’re at home. What great one sided conversations you can have!

The best feature: when your spouse has their friends over and they all laugh at the conversation you are attempting to have with your dog over the speaker attached to it's neck.

Pet High Chair

Now you can set a seat at the dinner table for your cat or dog. I don’t know about you, but I try to encourage my cat not to jump on the table while I’m eating dinner. Although if I strapped him in this awkward contraption and tried to force him to eat like a person he might stop that entirely.

Why in the blue hell does the dog have a cup with a straw in it? Yeah, that's going to work.

Strollers for pets

Last time I checked, dogs love to walk outside on their own and don’t need to be pushed around in a stroller. Cats, on the other hand get filled with murderous rage whenever they are put in anything that resembles a cage or carrier. Plus there is the obvious fact that no sane person pushes their pets around in a stroller in public.

If you're going to be crazy, might as well take it to the next level and push your pet around in a stroller and treat them like the children you could never have because no sane person would ever have sexual intercourse with you.

Poop Freeze

Spray this on your dog’s poop after it poops outside and it will freeze it. Why do you need to freeze your dog’s shit? Your guess is as good as mine.  Really, what is this supposed to accomplish?

Seriously, someone explain why it would possibly be necessary to freeze dog shit? Are you picking it up with your bare hands? Why would anyone need this?

So…Apparently My Little Pony Porn Is A Thing…

There are plenty of bizarre search terms that bring people to this site, however “My Little Pony porn” brings in at least 5 views every day. Now, I have never posted a topic about my little pony porn so I am a little confused to how that even brings any views. I even Google searched for “My Little Pony porn” and after going through 12 pages I didn’t even see a link to this site so someone must be going through more than 12 pages of search items to bring them here to fulfill their My Little Pony fetish.

Then I decided to Google Image Search for “My Little Pony porn”. Do me a favor, never do that! Ever! Seriously WTF people?! That shit is just plain disturbing. Unless you are the person who is coming to this site specifically looking for My Little Pony porn, then shine on you crazy diamond. However, I am sure that you are greatly disappointed considering that I  have never had any actual My Little Pony porn on this site, at least not until now: why? Because I can use the viewership.

If  you are not the 99% of people (“normal people”) who do not have a bizarre fetish involving humanoid ponies fornicating, feel free to navigate away from the following picture…

OK I know this is probably too "softcore" for those of you who came here specifically looking for My Little Pony porn but seriously, it just gets worse from here, use your imagination.

 

“Insert obligatory Kate’s Playground or Sara Jessica Parker joke here”

And for you My Little Pony Porn purists out there..

Damn, that is some good My Little Pony on My Little Pony action going on there!

You’re welcome.