I was browsing the internet yesterday and happened to come across one of the most disturbing albeit awesome sites on the internet: divine-interventions.com that is dedicated to the sale of religious sex toys.
The pictures below are captioned with actual quotes from the website, just because they are just as hilarious as anything I could come up with myself.
It is a dildo that is shaped like Jesus getting crucified on a giant blue penis-shaped cross
"Jesus was a carpenter, now he’s the powertool. He’s the baddest and the best in all of Nazareth. The Jackhammer Jesus has just one safety rule: Feet first, feet first, not the head, ya fool."
Apparently this site doesn’t just cater to Christians, it even has a dildo shaped like Buddha for all you Buddhists out there that have always wanted to stick a likeness of Buddha up their lady hole.
"After a thousand years of praying, fasting and endless incarnations, Buddha finally gets to be... a dildo. To Buddha’s unending delight, he’s generously endowed with enough to pleasure even the most enlightened. Now that Nirvana is within reach, grasp it wisely, firmly, and with intent, rub his belly. Rub it again, meditatively."
Baby Jesus Butt Plug
This is one of the most disturbing things I have ever seen. I mean, it’s a butt plug shaped like Baby Jesus, doesn’t get more fucked up than that.
"When you woke up this morning you know that something was missin in your life.
It wasn't the new car, the new job, the boyfriend or the girlfriend. But now you know: it's the Baby Jesus Butt Plug.
Slap him on the dashboard. Use him as the ultimate pacifier or make Baby Jesus the centerpiece of your magnificent Dildo Creche."
It is a dildo shaped like the Devil, my personal favorite.
"Too many twinkies? Made a pact you regret sober?
Turn the tables and get the irresistable Devil Dildo! Kegelize the Prince of Darkness into submission! Put him where the sun don't shine til he accedes that you're the Master of the Universe!
This boy is so sturdy we've used him to bushwack rainforests, tenderize baby seal and satisfy old ladies in dark alleys."
Virgin Mary Dildo
Not sure who would actually want to purchase yet alone use a Virgin Mary shaped dildo, but probably not someone whom I would want to know. Most people probably wouldn’t want to know them either which is probably why they would have a need for a Virgin Mary shaped dildo anyway.
Virgin Mary like most smart women knows there is a Second Coming. And a Third. And a Fourth.
So give the Lucky Virgin what she wants!
"The Mother is.... Superior."
It is shaped like the bible but there is a hole in the bottom of it to stick your penis in. Perhaps the most unsexy masturbation device I have ever seen.
"Honey, what's that thing stickin' out of your Bible belt?
Lay your hands on this, Jimmy!
What makes Tammy scream and Jim run for cover?
It's a Halleluiah booty thumping,
Howlin' and a humpin',
Pentacostal rumpus, fire lickin',
guaranteed-to-be-the-quickest-way-to-learn-yourself-a new tongue-in' product. "
God’s Immaculate Rod
I always wondered what God’s penis looked like. Okay, not really.
""Thy rod and thy staff shall comfort me..." ~ Psalm 23
Find out what Mary felt, the night that she conceived...
Sitting in the lap of the Holy Ghost on God's Immaculate Rod.
"If His rod feels this good, I can't imagine what His staff must feel like!!!"
~ Very satisfied customer"
Holy Water Lube
I wonder if it helps scare away vampire penises.
"Warding off dryness since 159 B.C.
Jesus wept but you don't have to.
Don't spend forty days and forty nights in the desert!
Bless your sweet pootang and dip that ass in the Water of LIFE!
Baptize that John and make it an upright Christian!
Hide the Pulpit with the speed of an Olympic luge!
Don't just give into temptation...Slide into it..and out of it..and into it."
There were a couple other interesting toys on this site that I didn’t include such as a nun shaped dildo, a Shiva butt plug, and a grim reaper dildo. This site seems like a joke but apparently they actually do sell all of these items. And for only 50 cents extra you can get all the above dildos and butt plugs in glow in the dark varieties. Wow! What a bargain!