Here are the top ten things that you should never talk about at the dinner table, especially during holidays or when meeting your significant other’s parents for the first time.
10. How much you love to have unprotected sex with prostitutes and then strangle them afterwards.
This topic is actually pretty much taboo in any social situation, mainly since it could land you some serious jail time if it’s true. You should also lay low for awhile since you are probably wanted for murder, also get checked for AIDS.
9. Any talk of sexual transmitted diseases or growths that you may or may not have obtained from having unprotected sex with filthy disgusting disease-carrying prostitutes. Extra points for inappropriateness if you pull out your Johnson and share said growths with your dinner guests.
8. Talk about how much you agree with Hitler. Unless you are at a white power luncheon you should probably keep those feelings to yourself, buddy. Quoting Mein Kampf is probably not a good idea either, make sure you cover up your swatztika tattoos as well.
7. Any talk about human feces, especially if you are eating meatloaf, ground beef, or meat balls. Even more inappropriate if you talk about people you have come across in the health care profession who eat their own feces and sharing the most grotesque story you can recall in vivid detail. If you don’t have any poo eating stories, talk about a time when you ate Mexican food and had diarrhea with blood in it, or pull up the Two Girls One Cup video on your smartphone.
6. Share your most revolting sexual fetish with the rest of the dinner party. Lose friends and alienate yourself from your family by telling them how much you are into My Little Pony Porn, better yet show them pictures of yourself dressed up in a full body My Little Pony Furry outfit that you wear while dry humping other My Little Pony cosplay enthusiasts.
5. Tell everyone how idiotic the whole Star Wars Expanded Universe is. It is total bullshit because every single extra in the original Star Wars Trilogy has an overly convoluted back-story that involves them being a secret bounty hunter or jedi, and having a profound impact on the main characters and overall storyline, and George Lucas allows all Star Wars books to be counted as canon. Unless you are eating dinner with me or a bunch of other nerds, nobody is going to understand a word of what you just said, and unless you are a giant nerd you probably do not understand the last 3 sentences. But it’s OK.
4. Ask everyone what their favorite sex position is. If this isn’t awkward enough dinner conversation for your grandparents and immediately family, tell everyone how your favorite position is “the stranger”. The stranger is when you sit on your hand until it falls asleep and then you masturbate with it so it feels like someone is giving you a handjob. Then tell everyone how that is the only action you have been getting since your divorce then spend the rest of the evening sobbing in the corner uncontrollably.
3. Try to convert everyone at the dinner table to Christianity. If there is one topic everyone can agree on: it’s religion. Try to make everyone at the table give up years of tradition and their entire belief system by telling them they are all going to rot in hell for eternity. Continue to beat this dead horse all night long until you are no longer invited to any social functions.
2. Bring a sex doll to dinner and tell everyone that she is your girlfriend and they need to treat her like a real person. I know this has been made into a movie, but imagine how hilariously awkward it would be in real life. For extra inappropriateness, start shoving food into her mouth hole which is obviously supposed to be a sexual orifice.
1. Tell your host how horrible the food is and compare it to eating garbage out of a dirty diaper, then urinate on the dinner table.