If The Mrs. Actually Let Me Decorate…

I have been thinking about what my house would look like if the Mrs. allowed me to decorate. She always shuts down my awesome decor ideas for our apartment, probably for good reason, but here is a list of things that I would buy for the house if I could.

Honey Badger door mat, I love the honey badger video. What better way to immortalize by getting a doormat? Only problem is I am not allowed to have a doormat outside my door, apartment rules. So I would have to put it in the bathroom where it wouldn’t make any sense, but it would still be awesome. Interesting factoid: I have a neighbor with a honey badger license plate.

 

This is a dragon statue that you put in your pond to make it look like a sea creature. I don’t own a pond nor am I allowed to put any decorations outside. So I would have to put it on the dinner table or in the bathtub or something. It would still be pretty bad ass.

 

Dress-up Sasquatch magnet set. You can dress up Sasquatch in a pimp outfit or a skimpy swimsuit and put it on your refrigerator for some reason. Awesome!

 

Drop your pants here doormat. It lets your visitors know that pants are optional in your home! Of course it would be another indoor doormat in my house and I have limited floor space, but I would make it work somehow.

 

A remote control fart machine. The Mrs. would be really annoyed by this one. I would hide it somewhere and just keep pressing the button. I know it wouldn’t be humorous and the novelty would wear out quickly, but the annoyance factor would make it endless entertaining. At least until I get punched in the face.

 

Candoms. They are condoms for cans that keep them cold somehow and are extremely inappropriate looking. I wouldn’t actually use these. I would just save them for a time that some really stuck up rich people happened to come over to my house then I would offer them drinks in these while being 100% serious and straight-faced. Gotta love awkward tension.

 

Nudes having fun wall calendar. I would hang it above the couch, it is full of fun pictures of naked people doing fun things like riding scooters and having dinner parties. I am not even sure why this thing exists but, boy am I glad that it does! And look June features a middle aged couple’s bare asses on pogo sticks, that looks like so much fun!

 

If the fart machine wasn’t overkill enough, I would also get this farting alarm clock so The Mrs. can be woken up to the sound of synthetic farting from a pair of plastic ass-cheeks at 8 AM. Is there really that big of a market for things that make farting noises? Really? I seriously want to know the answer to this.

 

If someone is coming to rob your house, at least let them know that you have a sense of humor. I would be utterly decimated if they robbed me of my prized possessions such as my collection of objects that make fart sounds.

 

A giant cooler that sort of resembles a beer mug. I would keep it in the living room and fill it with my cheap ass beer from Aldi’s that tastes like dog shit because that’s all I can afford cause I’m poor.

 

A lawn gnome that looks like he’s pooping. Because you need to add a fake midget taking a shit to your decor to liven up the place.

 

Soap that looks like poop. Just so you can invite people over and have this laying in the bathtub, then imagine the look on their faces when you come out of the bathroom with it and rub it all over your face. The only thing that would be more awesome would be pulling a real turd out of the bathroom and rubbing it on your face.

 

A life size cut out of Jason from Friday the 13th. I am a big fan of these movies and I can only imagine the fun I will have of freaking out in the middle of the night when I get up to use the bathroom and seeing a blood soaked maniac holding a machete in the next room.