Today I went out to some thrift stores with the Mrs., Swedish Falcon, and Professor S The Magnificent and had some amazing finds.
First we passed by a house that was on fire, I think the fire department burned it down on purpose, or else the fire fighters were just standing around watching somebody’s house burn down like a bunch of assholes, either way it was pretty awesome.
After that, we went to a bunch of Goodwills and antique stores and saw the typical thrift store fare:
Creepy ass porcelain dolls which may or may not be harnessed by the power of Satan
Actually I am pretty sure that these things are only there because whoever owned them wanted to get them the fuck out of their houses. Seriously, I could see these things coming to life in the middle of the night and cutting open my abdomen and crawling around in my bloody intestines.
Here is an example of another common thrift store item: an old golf trophy that probably belonged to some dead guy.
Here is a decorative plate I found in an antique store, it portrays Jesus being a complete asshole. There are a bunch of people in a shipwreck drowning to death in the background Jesus is just standing there helping one guy out in the front while letting everyone else drown, and he’s like “I’m out of here, have fun dying LOL”
Another staple of antique stores: creepy ass ceramic clown sculptures.These are probably donated by the same people that donated the possessed baby dolls, probably to make more room for their collection of severed heads and face masks made out of human flesh.
My in-laws bought a life-sized porcelain Santa Claus statue and put it in the trunk of their car. Without the beard and hat, it looked like they murdered some guy in a Santa Claus costume with a baseball bat and shoved his mangled up corpse into the back of their Prius. I think they should just leave this thing in the car year round and crush the dreams of small children everywhere they go.
Another sight that you only find at Goodwill: a softcore erotic thriller mixed in with a bunch of Disney VHS tapes. Seriously, who in the blue hell still uses a VHS player?
Wow, a t-shirt with a bunch of wild jungle cats on the front of it. Whoever wears this thing must be a real badass! It not only has a lion on the front, which by itself expresses that you probably have a 12 inch dick and radiate an infinite aura of manliness, it also has a cheetah and a tiger on it. That just shows that you mean business, if you wear this thing out in public, girl’s panties will just disintegrate in your presence because you are just that motherfucking awesome.
And last but not least…
A Nickelback t-shirt! What’s worse than going to a store or a concert and purchasing a Nickelback t-shirt? Buying an old used one from a Goodwill donated by someone who was too ashamed to have it hanging in their closet. I think it is impossible to go into a thrift store and not find at least one Nickelback t-shirt, no matter how many times you wash a Nickelback t-shirt you can still smell the foul odor of regret from the person who purchased it and made the fatal mistake of furthering the myth that Nickelback is a good band.