Tacky Car Accessories and Magical Car Vaginas

Today I was at Petsmart getting cat food and saw some of the tackiest car accessories I have ever seen. I have seen plenty of cars with fake reindeer antlers and noses on them, and I have seen a few cars with elf ears on them as well, but I have never seen a car decorated with both at the same time.

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Not only did they have the audacity to put both antlers and elf ears on their car, they put them right next to each other! Maybe they wanted their car to look like some kind of freaky elf/reindeer hybrid? They also had an elf hat on the dashboard which can’t be seen in the picture. At first I wanted to say that Christmas ejaculated on these people’s car, but then it occurred to me that it wasn’t decorated enough, it is like Christmas started to ejaculate on their car then decided not to. So basically it is the equivalent of Christmas pre-cum.

Anyway, to fill more space here are some other car decorations that are just as horrible:

carlashes

Car Lashes.The ideal gift for anybody that looked at a car’s headlights and said “the headlights almost sort of resemble eyes and there totally should be some sexy looking female eyelashes to glue on top of them”. I don’t know, these are just creepy, and I can imagine the kind of person who puts these on their car are the same kind of person who would stick their penis in the gas tank.

The kind of person who would buy these are probably also fans of the film “Crash”. Not the Oscar winner, the one from 1996 where James Spader is sexually aroused by car accidents.

crash1996 (1)

Yes, that is really the premise of the movie, and of course it was directed by Cronenberg.

Oh, yeah..

And it totally has a scene where a car has a dent that takes the shape of a woman's vagina.

And it totally has a scene where a car has a dent that takes the shape of a woman’s vagina and James Spader fondles it.

Anyway, back on topic…

Truck Balls, because the perfect accessory for any redneck with a pickup truck is a pair of fake oversized sagging testicles to attach to their truck for no real apparent purpose. It's supposed to be funny, I guess, because then you can use it for hilariously awkward photo ops like this guy did. You stay classy!

Truck Balls, because the perfect accessory for any redneck with a pickup truck is a pair of fake oversized sagging testicles to attach to their truck for no real apparent purpose. It’s supposed to be funny, I guess, because then you can use it for hilariously awkward photo ops like this guy did. You stay classy!

Fake bullet holes. They are magnets that make your car look like it was shot by a cartoon character. They might be cool if they weren't so ridiculously fake looking.

Fake bullet holes. They are magnets that make your car look like it was shot by a cartoon character. They might be cool if they weren’t so ridiculously fake looking and on the back of a Toyota Corolla.

Easter Bunny ears and nose. Because tacky car ornaments that make your automobile resemble a fictional holiday animal can't be limited to just Christmas. Actually at this point I just want to get the image of the car dent vagina out of my head.

Easter Bunny ears and nose. Because tacky car ornaments that make your automobile resemble a fictional holiday animal can’t be limited to just Christmas.

Although, honestly at this point I just want to get that image of the car dent vagina out of my head.

Good luck with that one, buddy.

Good luck with that one, buddy.

Damn you James Spader!!

3 comments on “Tacky Car Accessories and Magical Car Vaginas

  1. “Car Lashes… So your car can be just as much of a lady douche-bag as you are!” That shit sells itself. All it needs is a pair of stick on, pouty DSL’s in the front, and it’ll make it the perfect whore-mobile.

  2. Sagging nuts are a popular accessory on the “macho” trucks around here. The same pickups creep across the tracks at railroad crossings – what’s up with that? Painful nut sag?

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