Here is the definitive list of things that you probably don’t want to receive on Christmas and if you gave somebody one of these things for Christmas there is probably something seriously wrong with you and you should probably get some mental health counseling or electroshock therapy, or somebody should build a time machine so they can go back to the year you were born and give your mom a hysterectomy.
Squirrel Feet Earrings. These are earring made out of actual squirrel feet. Why would someone make these things? If I was a woman and I got a pair of homemade squirrel feet earrings for Christmas I would alert the authorities of a future serial killer in the area.
Fundies: Underwear built for two. I am 98% sure that it is impossible to engage in successful coitus while wearing these. Even if you could why in the blue hell would you make them white? You know they are going to be permanently stained the first time they get “used”. I never understood white underwear in general. I used to work with the mentally handicapped and did their laundry, and I always just wanted to ask people why they would purchase white underpants for people that don’t wipe properly? Bleach can only do so much, people!
Human Santapede ornament. Is Human Centipede one of your favorite movies? Do you want to share your love for the movie and/or people surgically conjoined mouth-to-anus? Then this is the perfect ornament for you! Feel free to cover your tree in these things like this person did because chances are nobody is going to visit you for Christmas anyway, at least unless you kidnap them and sew them together and force them to live off each other’s feces.
Baby Hooks. If you have to buy a present for somebody that has a kid, why not buy them a freaky harness that they can hang there kids over bathroom doors with? Hang them directly above the toilet for the highest chance of ruining your children forever.
These appear to be some kind of Japanese boob shaped candy. They may or may not taste like boobs. Also appears to be targeted towards children. Damnit, Japan, why are you so weird?!
Speaking of candy, check out these strange flesh-colored Hannah Montana gummy candy. That doesn’t look very much like a guitar, Too bad she isn’t holding a piece of that candy in the picture on the bag.
Drug Dealer Magnet Set. This probably isn’t real but it is awesome. My favorite part is the Tracphone that looks like a Nokia cellphone from the 90’s. The perfect accessory for drug dealers and cheap untraceable phones.
Dora Aquapet. I am not sure what an aquapet is? But it appears that Dora the Explorer is floating inside of an oversized dildo. Can you help me find the G-spot? Muy Bueno!