I Went Vacationing In West Virginia And I Didn’t Marry My Cousin

The Mrs. and I went down to Wheeling, West Virginia for Valentine’s Day. Surprisingly there was more to do down there than I expected and most people had more than 50% of their own teeth. I technically grew up 5 minutes away from West Virginia and was directly across the river and lived in a town in Ohio that probably had most of the negative aspects of West Virginia without actually being part of West Virginia but I am going to make fun of it anyway because that’s how I roll.

We visited a toy museum and saw all kinds of creepy toys that your parents probably played with growing up. These toys were creepy as hell and are more than likely part of the reason that your parents were so fucked up.


Look at this toy cat for example with it’s blinking human looking eyes with flesh colored eyelids and full eyelashes, plus it has a lazy eye. Awesome! I am pretty sure that if you slept every night as a kid with one of these dolls above your bed you had a 99.9% chance of growing up to be a serial killer.



At first I thought that this was some supposed to be some kind of demon in a dress. But after reading the description it is actually a 3 in 1 Little Red Riding Hood doll. You peel off red riding hoods face and underneath it becomes the grandma, but then you peel off grandmas hat and it turns out that the wolf is underneath. If you don’t know that ahead of time it just looks like something that John Wayne Gacy would masturbate to.



There were plenty of creepy cat dolls in the museum, here’s another one. This cat is apparently modeled after a cat that got hit by a car and had it’s back legs amputated and replaced with wheels.



The museum also had a little city set up with remote control cars that you could drive around, the Mrs. and I had a little too much fun playing with these. Now I want to build a similar set up in my apartment. 



Here I am tying to force choke a cardboard cut out of Darth Vader. I actually thought I looked pretty badass when posing for this picture, but after viewing it, not so much.



This is an old toy robot from the 1950’s. For some reason it has suction cup dart projectile nipples, something that every toy robot needs. In the future all robots should have projectile nipples.

After the toy museum we went to a Hare Krishna temple. Because if there is one thing that says West Virginia, it is a giant gold plated temple dedicated to Krishna.


It was a really beautiful looking place and it is an active community of Hare Krishnas, and most of them were surprisingly caucasian.



They also had a pet duck. It was pretty awesome.


Here is the outside of the shrine dedicated to the man who brought the Hare Krishna religion to the United States, it was originally meant to be a place for him to live, but since it was in West Virginia he never actually lived there and died before it was finished.



A carving of Krishna on the outside of the temple, there were tons of extravagant statues and carvings everywhere, most of them were plated with real gold.


Some giant cow statues.


Here is another giant statue, it was literally taller than the cabin in the background. It was just sort of surreal seeing all of these ornate statues and temples in the hills of West Virginia.



A few miles away, there was the West Virginia Penitentiary. It was closed down several years ago. They do tour and have ghost hunts there. It was unfortunately closed for the winter though. There was a famous prison riot there in the 70’s. They apparently also do mock prison riots there for law enforcement training which sounds pretty cool.


As if the prison wasn’t creepy enough by itself, there were was an ancient Indian burial mound directly across the street. So, this has to be one of the most haunted and evil sites in the universe. There were hundreds of Native Americans buried in this thing and it is over 70 feet tall, we climbed to the top of it just for shits and giggles. They have dug up all the bodies in the mound and excavated various artifacts from the mounds which probably totally pissed off the spirits of the dead slightly less than if they dug up the bodies, urinated on them, then buried them backwards.



If that wasn’t creepy enough, there was also a museum next door with creepy life size dolls that all have the same face.

3 comments on “I Went Vacationing In West Virginia And I Didn’t Marry My Cousin

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