You may read the above statement and think that I am saying he looks like Tommy Lee Jones and Lou Diamond Phillips combined with each other, that is not what I am saying. I am saying that if the pair mated and somehow were able to conceive a child from a male on male union their offspring would look just like my father in law.

One would have to admit the two men are fairly handsome, in a totally non gay way, not that there’s anything wrong with that. They are both actors with a pretty decent gene pool, so it would be a compliment to be compared to the two of them.

Tommy Lee Jones is also a very successful actor that has been in a lot of great films

Lou Diamond Phillips is a somewhat decent actor who has appeared in a couple good movies and some Sci Fi Channel originals...

But we are not here to discuss movie roles or talent...

We are talking about how if 2 handsome male actors mated they would produce a child that would look like my father-in-law:

Here is a picture for comparison

Now you may or may not be convinced yet, but I have managed to generate an accurate portrayal of what Lou Diamond Phillips and Tommy Lee Jones’s love child would look like. With all of my chemistry, DNA, computer technology, and MS Paint skills I have been able to successfully create an image of what that child would look like all grown up…

The results speak for themselves

It is always fun sneaking a peak over their shoulder to see what was so important that they came down to the public library to look at online. Today there was an elderly overweight gentlemen who was on the website for Hot Wheels. Yes, the same Hot Wheels which I used to play with when I was 8 years old. What the fuck is there on the Hot Wheels website that an elderly man would want to come down to the library and look it up? I just looked up the hot wheels website, there’s videos of young boys playing with toy cars, I think I just answered my own question.

The last time I went to the library there was an elderly man sitting at the computer completely asleep and snoring loudly, his hand was even still on the mouse. I wouldn’t have realized he was asleep if he hadn’t been snoring so loud, hotwheels.com must not have been very exciting that day.

Most of the other people are kind of boring, usually on facebook or youtube or something. But there is always somebody looking up porn on the library computer and trying to hide it, these are the funnest people to watch. Especially if you keep walking behind them and they keep having to minimize their browser window to look like they are checking their email. How sexually deprived do you have to be to look at porn at the library in public, with kids around. There is legally nothing that anyone can do about it in the state of Ohio, which is pretty hilarious, all the librarians can do is ask them to please stop looking at porn in the library. You know that you have hit an all time low when the librarian at the public library walks up to you and tells you to please stop looking at porn on their computer.

Anyway, today I am going for a manlier topic: How to turn on a girl, since I am a nerd I have very little insight into how to actually turn on a girl and am totally unqualified to teach anyone on the subject. Still interested in reading? Great! (dumbass)

1. You need skills:

What kind of skills? It doesn’t really matter, as long as it has nothing to do with knitting, My Little Pony, or crossdressing.

Types of skills that are acceptable…

Crossbows

This is the best life lesson I have learned from watching The Walking Dead. I really need to get a crossbow

How to put stuff together. Girls cannot put things together, you ever notice that when your wife/girlfriend/imaginary girlfriend buys some stuff at Ikea, they leave it for you to put together. That’s because they have no clue how to put that shit together, and neither do I, have you ever seen those instructions? Anyway if you can put things together using manly things like power tools you probably don’t need to be reading this anyway.

Chicks really dig wizards too, but only real ones.

2. You need to have money.

Girls like it when you buy them things. They like to get presents and when you take them out places. NEVER take them to McDonald’s or Chuck E Cheese (unless they have kids). You need to take them nice places like Pizza Hut or KFC, plus they like presents that clearly weren’t just laying around your apartment.

"Hey, girl I just saw all of these random action figures out of their original packaging laying around and a Garfield pencil box and totally thought of you". No! Fail! You are not getting laid!

3. You need to find the clitoris. I have no idea where it is, don’t ask me.

Moving on...

4. You need to dress nicely. And by nicely, I mean you should probably wear pants when she’s around. Girls like it when you are fully dressed at appropriate times. It is also good if your clothes don’t have stains or holes in them and were at least fashionable after 1999. If you work out a lot you don’t need to wear a shirt, otherwise, don’t take your shirt off ever, and I mean EVER!!

It's OK not to wear pants if she isn't wearing any. I just found this picture while google image searching and wanted to put it somewhere. I kind of lost sight of what I was looking for, I think it had something to do with not wearing superhero clothes on the first date.

5. You are seriously still reading this? OK then..

Don’t talk about video games, unless she really likes video games. Nobody cares if you are a level 85 Paladin Undead Ogre in World of Warcraft, especially if your penis is the size of a pinky toenail and you have a unibrow.

Better stock up on tissues and lotion,bro. You are beyond my help.

Oh yeah, you probably shouldn’t use pinterest either, and definitely don’t talk about it or share it with facebook.

Which brings me to the following question: is it unmanly to use pinterest? If I use it will I get my man-card revoked. I’m still not %100 percent sure what it is or what the point of it is. I am going to try to recreate a pinterest page on my blog.

Damn cat, this is a picture that I like

I like Star Wars, I like pancakes, these are relevant to my interests

I like pugs, I like batman, therefore pugman is something that I should be interested in

I like this picture, it reminds me of the X-Files, feel free to share with your friends

I believe in ceiling cat

When I was a kid they didn't have realistic costumes of your favorite characters, you got a cheap plastic mask and a plastic outfit that had a picture of the character you were dressed as and their name on it in big letters. Nostalgia, bitches.

I like Star Wars, I like pictures of women in their underwear, therefore I must like pictures of women in Star Wars underwear.

I really really like pictures of girls in their underwear.

I like Doritos, I like Tacos, Taco Bell's new Doritos shell tacos are probably something that I would like and you might like too

I think I pretty much got the gist of the whole pinterest thing, except it’s harder to share my stuff on your pinterest page if you have one so you should probably make a pinterest of thedingleberry.net, if you can make  a pinterest of a website, I don’t know if you can but if you could that would probably make things a lot easier.

It is going to be about a village of Amish people fighting off a zombie infestation. It is going to be titled “Plain Undead”. It is going to be a horror/teen romance novel. Think Twilight meets the Walking Dead, except I’m not a Mormon so there will be penetration. Also expect tons of action such as horse-drawn buggies with chainsaws attached to them.

It is going to take place in  rural Ohio in the center of Amish country. The main zombie outbreak will have occurred several months before the story takes place but the Amish will be unaware because they don’t believe in electricity, TV, radios, or the internet. It will take awhile for the zombies to reach them because of the vast farmland separating them from the outside world.

The story will center around Rebecca Yoder, a rebellious Amish teenager who is losing faith in her Amish heritage and has even known to sneak out at night wearing dresses that don’t cover her ankles. She has been known to argue with her parents about her chores which involve churning butter and making goat cheese. Her parents are pressuring her into marriage because she just turned 16 and is well passed the prime marrying age for a young woman of the Amish faith. They want her to marry her 3rd cousin Jonas Yoder who owns 3 horses, 4 cows, and has a successful furniture business. She isn’t interested in marrying him because of his uni-brow, web toes, and the fact that he is her cousin.

Their world begins to take a turn for the worse when a group of survivors stumble upon their peaceful farm with an angry horde of zombies in toe. The group of survivors is led by an “Englisher” (non-Amish person) named Bill Ash whom Rebecca begins to develop feelings for. However she is torn between this new shotgun toting stranger and her cousin Jonas whom she feels pressure to marry. However, things end up in her favor after Jonas catches Rebecca and Bill sharing a romantic encounter in the barn and has his wiener savagely bitten off by a zombie and a heartbroken Rebecca is forced to shoot him in the head after he turns into one  of the undead.

Although the town Elders and Rebecca’s parents frown of her relationship with the Englisher with six-pack abs, and she is close to being shunned from her Amish faith, most of them are eaten by zombies so their opinions really don’t matter anymore. Things however take another tragic turn when Rebecca’s Uncle Eli decides that he wants Rebecca to be his bride after his wife got eaten alive. He takes Bill hostage in his barn, ties him up and cuts off one of his arms so that he can have Rebecca’s hand in unholy matrimony. He also begins to domesticate the zombies by forcing them to do farm work and even churns butter out of hallowed out zombie brains. However, Bill gets loose and with a new arm fashioned out of a pitchfork and a modified shotgun quickly puts an end to Eli’s madness. The happy couple then manage to escape the village before it is overrun with zombies and head for the hills of West Virginia for safety from the zombie menace. It is going to be epic.

Plain Undead: Coming Soon!

The episode starts out with the nerdy ginger kid with glasses who swallows gum and somehow gets to stay home from school all day and miss  school and all the learning adventures, he also just sits around eating candy while his parents are disturbingly non-existant. This kid was a obviously a nerd because he was a ginger and wore glasses due to 1980′s stereotypes.

The teacher then gets all the other kids who attended school that day onto the Magic School Bus for some good old fashioned learning. There is seriously something wrong with this school district when the teacher is also the bus driver. This is where it starts to get really screwed up…

Time to go on an educational journey through a child's intestinal tract!!

The Magic School Bus shrinks down to microscopic size and the teacher pilots it into the nerdy kids mouth and they travel around in his insides learning about the digestive system. Now remember kids, it is entirely ethical for the school teacher to penetrate a minor’s body while an entire classroom of children watches. This episode get really interesting when one of the students is sucked into the child’s large intestine (colon) and the rest of the class follows.

This is seriously a real screen capture from that episode.

The teacher then has everyone get out of the school bus without gloves, face masks, or other personal protective equipment and wade around in human feces. This is in no way sanitary, I would not be surprised if they all got infected with c diff. So not only are they walking around in another kid’s ass they have to decide whether they want to exit through the rectum or go back the way they came in by exiting the mouth, surprisingly they chose the mouth after the bizarre turn this episode had taken. They all climb back on the bus after walking around in human poop and get back on the bus and go home. If I was these kids parents I would totally ask what the hell was going on at this school when their kids come home covered in human feces and in desperate need of antibiotics. They probably stopped making new episodes of this show after all the kids parents sued the school district and the Magic School Bus got confiscated by the Magic Police. I just hope they ran it through the car wash first because that thing had been driving around inside some kid’s poop filled intestines.

I heard that the one on the left is Snooki's father

Anyway Fun Dip is basically a big pouch of flavored sugar that comes with a big white stick that is also made out of pure sugar, you lick the stick and then you stick it in the pouch of flavored sugar and lick it off the stick. You repeat this process until the bag is empty then you eat the sugar stick and get diabetes.

Diabetes has never been more delicious.

So I got home with the giant box of Fun Dip, plus an energy drink, and a bottle of Pepsi Max (Diet Pepsi with twice the caffeine). I proceeded to have several pouches of Fun Dip with my Pepsi Max and the next few hours were a blur after that but I had green lips and teeth and couldn’t shut my eyelids. Good times.

This picture was taken before the madness started, notice the look of disgust on The Dingleberry's face in the background.

This guy has the right idea

But that is not the most troublesome part of the day, which was the vacuuming! They were vacuuming for 4 hours straight! Who in the blue hell needs to vacuum a one bedroom apartment for 4 hours? The Mrs. took a nap for 3 hours due to being on Percocet for her kidney stone, and they were vacuuming before and after she woke up and I could hear them the entire time I was in the living room killing video game zombies, it was quite distracting.

"It's the only thing I know how to do when I'm not in the kitchen"

One of the neighbors is always carrying around guitars and always keeps his door open, it’s like he is really lonely and wants someone to come in his room to “hang out”. He’s all like “come inside and listen to me play my guitar, it’s pants-less Tuesday, come check out my guns”.

Totally badass

Even the pictures on the promotional poster are un-appealing, I can only fathom what the actual food items look like without photoshop.

First of all, they are selling their cheesy potatoes as “breakfast potatoes” which is basically the cheesy potatoes without the cheese. Plus they changed the shape of their “cinnamon twists” and called them “cinnamon tostadas”. Everything else appears like they took their regular menu items and put egg, bacon, and sausage in them.

Enlargement of the breakfast crunchwrap, I thought the original crunchwrap was nasty this just looks like a pile of feces with egg and cheese on top of it wrapped up in a tortilla. Yummy!

Part of me wants to unwrap this thing and throw the contents around a bathroom stall and totally fuck with a cleaning ladies head.

Which reminds me of the good old empty-toilet-paper-roll “turd” prank…

A true classic

Ironically this is also the first picture that comes up when you Google Image Search "blood in stool"

Special thanks to The Mrs. for bringing these breakfast items to my attention. She hasn’t been feeling well because she had a kidney stone yesterday and spent the morning in the hospital. Which also brings me to the joys of the Emergency Room, also known as where white trash go for basic medical needs. Some lovely young woman came in after we did, she had about as many teeth as a Jack-O-Lantern, and was there for god only knows what reason and spent 20 minutes screaming like a 5 year old: “Oh my god it hurts, it hurts! I have to pee I have to pee!!! AAAAHHHHH, UHHHHHHHHHH I’m in pain! I’m in pain” plus another 5 minutes of dramatic moaning. I’m pretty sure she smoked a little too much “crystal” that morning, or she ate at Taco Bell, I’m pretty sure it was a 50/50 chance of it being one of the two things that would have brought her there.