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If The Mrs. Actually Let Me Decorate…

thedingleberry — Sat, 19 May 2012 23:33:05 +0000

I have been thinking about what my house would look like if the Mrs. allowed me to decorate. She always shuts down my awesome decor ideas for our apartment, probably for good reason, but here is a list of things that I would buy for the house if I could.

Honey Badger door mat, I love the honey badger video. What better way to immortalize by getting a doormat? Only problem is I am not allowed to have a doormat outside my door, apartment rules. So I would have to put it in the bathroom where it wouldn’t make any sense, but it would still be awesome. Interesting factoid: I have a neighbor with a honey badger license plate.

This is a dragon statue that you put in your pond to make it look like a sea creature. I don’t own a pond nor am I allowed to put any decorations outside. So I would have to put it on the dinner table or in the bathtub or something. It would still be pretty bad ass.

Dress-up Sasquatch magnet set. You can dress up Sasquatch in a pimp outfit or a skimpy swimsuit and put it on your refrigerator for some reason. Awesome!

Drop your pants here doormat. It lets your visitors know that pants are optional in your home! Of course it would be another indoor doormat in my house and I have limited floor space, but I would make it work somehow.

A remote control fart machine. The Mrs. would be really annoyed by this one. I would hide it somewhere and just keep pressing the button. I know it wouldn’t be humorous and the novelty would wear out quickly, but the annoyance factor would make it endless entertaining. At least until I get punched in the face.

Candoms. They are condoms for cans that keep them cold somehow and are extremely inappropriate looking. I wouldn’t actually use these. I would just save them for a time that some really stuck up rich people happened to come over to my house then I would offer them drinks in these while being 100% serious and straight-faced. Gotta love awkward tension.

Nudes having fun wall calendar. I would hang it above the couch, it is full of fun pictures of naked people doing fun things like riding scooters and having dinner parties. I am not even sure why this thing exists but, boy am I glad that it does! And look June features a middle aged couple’s bare asses on pogo sticks, that looks like so much fun!

If the fart machine wasn’t overkill enough, I would also get this farting alarm clock so The Mrs. can be woken up to the sound of synthetic farting from a pair of plastic ass-cheeks at 8 AM. Is there really that big of a market for things that make farting noises? Really? I seriously want to know the answer to this.

If someone is coming to rob your house, at least let them know that you have a sense of humor. I would be utterly decimated if they robbed me of my prized possessions such as my collection of objects that make fart sounds.

A giant cooler that sort of resembles a beer mug. I would keep it in the living room and fill it with my cheap ass beer from Aldi’s that tastes like dog shit because that’s all I can afford cause I’m poor.

A lawn gnome that looks like he’s pooping. Because you need to add a fake midget taking a shit to your decor to liven up the place.

Soap that looks like poop. Just so you can invite people over and have this laying in the bathtub, then imagine the look on their faces when you come out of the bathroom with it and rub it all over your face. The only thing that would be more awesome would be pulling a real turd out of the bathroom and rubbing it on your face.

A life size cut out of Jason from Friday the 13th. I am a big fan of these movies and I can only imagine the fun I will have of freaking out in the middle of the night when I get up to use the bathroom and seeing a blood soaked maniac holding a machete in the next room.

Fancy Cat Beds For Spoiled Freeloading Cats

thedingleberry — Thu, 17 May 2012 00:57:07 +0000

Now I thought that I was lame for buying my cat a pet bed that matched the comforter on my bed, but then I looked around for some fancier beds on the internet and now I don’t feel so bad.

Here he is in his cat bed, I put it next to his favorite spot in the house, right next to a power strip. He loves being inches away from electrocution so this was naturally the right choice.

Unfortunately his luxurious cat bed looks like a steaming pile of feces next to these extremely fancy-ass beds that cost way too much for something that your cat may or may not ever sleep in, and will probably end up being soaked in urine at some point.

This first cat bed is shaped like a giant flower, I guess this would attract cats because they like eating flowers and other plants that are unhealthy to eat and are likely to give them the squirts.

A pink teacup shaped bed with a princess crown on it. This cat bed is perfectly fitting for my cat, wish I would have bought it, and yes, he is male.

Cat bed that is shaped like a giant cat’s head. When a cat sleeps in it, it’s cute. But if I were to sleep in a bed shaped like a giant human head, that would be considered “creepy”. Totally unfair.

This is a cat bed shaped like an old-timey psychotherapists couch. Cats could really use some counseling because they are all fucking insane. Notice the root beer box in the corner, that’s where the cat actually sleeps.

This looks like it belongs in A Christmas Carol. In the morning he will be visited by 3 spirits, the ghost of that squirrel he ate, the ghost of the spool of yarn he pooped out, and the ghost of his missing testicles.

I am totally going to buy this pink Malibu dream car cat bed for my cat as if he isn’t enough of a flaming homosexual already. Plus,it goes perfectly with his hot pink feather boa. Plus it has custom license plates, awesome! I am proud of my gay cat.

Why Do Cats Scoot Their Butts Across The Floor? And Cats In Awkward Positions

thedingleberry — Sun, 13 May 2012 03:05:30 +0000

Yesterday, I caught my cat scooting his butt across the floor like a dog does. I have seen him do this before but he usually had dingleberries, this time he was doing it for no apparent reason or he was getting some kind of pleasure from rubbing his nether regions on the carpet. I did some research and apparently it is fairly common for cats to do this, with photographic evidence of course.

Oh yeah, that’s the spot!

I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that entire spool of yarn!

Those were the only pictures I could find of cats butt-scooting and unfortunately most of them were as grainy as pictures of bigfoot. So, anyway I will fill up the rest of this post with pictures of cats caught in awkward positions…

Now point to where ceiling cat touched you.

“We were just wrestling, I swear!” – The Pug ”Y’all got a cigarette?” – The Cat

I tried to stay up and finish the movie but I was sooooo sleepy.

Doing it human style.

Turn on the faucet and I will claw your goddamn eyes out.

This is my impersonation of you, dead in a casket, if you forget to keep my food dish filled up.

Don’t you know how to knock?!

You want in on this when I’m done?

In other news…

Today I was using Google Image Search to look up a different version of an image that I used yesterday, which was a picture of a Pog with Robin cutting someone’s hair.

I typed in “Hairdresser Robin Pog” and instead of this…

On the fourth row of searches, this came up…

Which is a picture of me doing my impersonation of a Nicholas Cage meme from a completely unrelated post, weird.

Remember Pogs?

thedingleberry — Sat, 12 May 2012 00:59:41 +0000

Do you remember Pogs? Did you ever own Pogs? They were very popular in the early 1990′s and I have no idea why. They were cardboard and metal milk bottle tops that had famous TV show and cartoon characters on them. Kids were supposed to collect them and there was some kind of game they played with them as well. I never actually owned any because I thought they were stupid at the time, plus you needed to have friends to be able to play with them. So anyway, the Mrs. and I were randomly talking about them the other day and I decided to do some research into what made them so popular, and I still have no idea.

When I think of pogs I always think back to the episode of the Simpsons where Milhouse has ALF pogs. “Remember ALF? He’s back! In Pog form.”

Of course there were also Simpsons Pogs, half of which were of obscure characters. A Doctor Marvin Monroe Pog? Seriously?

There were also Marvel Superhero Pogs, most of which were apparently poorly drawn and featured some of their less popular creations.

Wow a Pog featuring the really lame looking recreation of Dr. Strange, that one has to be worth like half a point at least, plus some of Strange’s lower tier villains such as that man/dog thing. Awesome!

However, this has to be my all time favorite Marvel Pog…

Hispanic-looking Punisher. “Tiempo para morir, putas!”

Of course there were also Batman Pogs…

Featuring Bane terrorizing some guy in a wheelchair, transvestite Ivy, and Robin the hairdresser. Fabulous! Way to capture the Batman universe guys!

And you can’t forget the Power Rangers Pogs. Totally used to love that show.

So you have all the original Power Rangers, a dog, that stupid annoying robot, and the monster guy in the gold armor that gets beat up and runs away like a little bitch in every episode. Really, they made a pog of the dog? I don’t even remember them having a dog.

Then there’s the rest…

Plus there were plenty of Pogs featuring random things, such as a guy getting hit in the balls, poorly drawn Spock, various diseases like Lockjaw, caricature Nicholson and Eastwood, and a zombified Mexican stereotype. Awesome!

Monkeys With Guns

thedingleberry — Tue, 08 May 2012 00:54:01 +0000

I think I have pretty much exhausted the internet’s “cats with guns” pictures so now it’s time to start with my second favorite animal holding firearms. Now time for some monkeys with guns, bitches!

Are you gonna bark all day, little doggie, or are you gonna bite?

Alright, now I want you to go up in that motherfucker, get the money and get out, if anybody moves, shoot them in the face.

What do you mean this isn’t a real gun? I got a butt full of real feces and you are about to get a face full of it!

I am the most lethal baboon on the planet, now I got to do is figure out how to get out of this leash.

I hate this guy so goddamn much. “Look at the cute little monkey with the gun” he says. See how cute I am when you’re bleeding to death in the street.

Put down the banana and walk away. Oh, and change my diaper while you’re at it, I just pooped a little.

It’s OK, I got this!

Who really shot JFK

Prepare to die, Mr. Bond.

Of course you can have this gun, you can have all the guns.

Rams Are Assholes. You don’t say!

thedingleberry — Mon, 07 May 2012 00:09:50 +0000

The Mrs. and I went out to Amish Country for our 5th Wedding Anniversary. We went to a dandelion festival where everything was made out of dandelions. I had dandelion ice cream, dandelion sausage, dandelion sangria, and dandelion syrup. Apparently dandelions are a good laxative, you can draw your own conclusion from that. After that we went to a drive through petting zoo and fed some animals. And that is where I met my mortal enemy Beelzebub, the ram. At least I think it was a ram, but whatever it was, it was a humongous dick. First he was acting nice and came up to the window and was eating feed from my bucket. Then he kept following us through the entire animal park, it was even charging toward the car at times. It followed us for about a half an hour, creeping us out. It went up two massive hills and took a shortcut through the forest to follow us before we finally lost it. It wouldn’t leave us alone!

Happier times with the ram.

It also had baboons, I threw food pellets at them. They were cute.

Me feeding the camels, they were pigs.

This llama literally stuck his entire head into our car, it is still full of food pellets that they spilled everywhere. They are messy eaters, they should know better!

Ram’s are assholes. You don’t say!

Viking Cats

thedingleberry — Fri, 04 May 2012 01:04:20 +0000

Here is a post full of pictures of cats with viking outfits on because if there’s one thing there isn’t enough of on the internet, it’s pictures of cats with random shit on them.

I have come to take over your land and your catnip, but first I am going to take a nap and lick my balls for half an hour.

I know my Thor costume isn’t very authentic and I’m holding a reflex hammer but I am the God of Thunder dammit!

I just pooped in your bed.

Hipster Viking Cat was a viking before vikings were cool.

Tell me again that I am a pretty lady. DO IT OR I WILL BITE YOUR FUCKING BALLS OFF!!

Oh you wanted to read this newspaper? I hope you like the smell of my anus on the business section.

Oh ma gerd erma ferking verking derp!!

This would be an awesome litter box.

And Finally…Viking Pug

Oh and one more thing, the original Viking Kittens video! I feel the need to share this video way too often…

Welcome To Litterdome, Bitch

thedingleberry — Thu, 03 May 2012 01:22:52 +0000

The Mrs. and I went to Petsmart again to look at the morbidly obese cats and to get a new litterbox. We had one of those self cleaning litterboxes for a couple years but it was impossible to clean the fecal remnants out of which were jamming up the inner workings so we decided to get a new litterbox. There were so many choices! This was going to be tough!

The first litterbox I saw was called the “Litterdome” which sounded a lot like the Mad Max movie “Beyond Thunderdome” from the 80′s starring Mel Gibson before he went batshit crazy. I really wanted to buy this one for the name alone. It also was shaped like a dome and had stairs for some reason.

The steps make it look fancy, it’s like you’re trying to trick your cat into thinking he’s going up the stairs to some place special then when he gets to the top he is greeted by his rancid feces. Well played.

The next option was a Bionaire Odor Grabber Litterbox which kind of looked like a cross between a space ship in a 1930′s Science Fiction movie and an old-timey hair dryer. It would have been cooler if it could blow dry your cat or if it rocked back and forth and made cheesy space ship noises while your cat took a crap. Sadly it did neither.

But at least now I have an idea for a new litterbox design.

Next there was the Litter Robot which is a more sophisticated and complex self cleaning litter box than the Littermaid we just got rid of. It also looks like a tiny washing machine that you can drown your cat in. It apparently spins around in a circle after your cat is done pooping, and then dumps all of it’s feces into a box which you can clean later. All for $300…WHAT?! If I am going to spend $300 on a litter box it better bag the poop up, walk it outside and dispose of it in the dumpster or in front of my neighbors doorstep. How can you even call it a robot, all it does is spin in a circle, it’s not like one of those tiny vacuums that cleans your floors for you automatically, what a rip off.

If there was a washing machine that you stuck your cat in and it gave it a bath, that would totally be worth $300.

We decided not to go with any of these litterboxes and opted for a cheap normal looking one, because really, it is just something for our cat to pee and poop in.

Once you enter the Litterdome, you will never leave!

Fat Cats

thedingleberry — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 01:15:48 +0000

Here are some fat cats to close out your Sunday evening. These cats are freaking huge! I just want to hug them all and use them as giant pillows.

What you lookin at, bitch?

The largest cat in China, he weighed 37.5 pounds in 2007. Not sure if he's still with us. Probably not.

Orazio is Italy's fattest housecat weighing in at 35.2 pounds. The owner says that she can't keep it from eating. I'm pretty sure if she locked him up in a room without any food in it, he wouldn't be able to eat anything. That's just laziness.

He kind of looks like a yeti but with a cat's head. I call it a "cati". The Mrs. came up with that terrible pun.

This thing is so obese it cannot lay down. He has been awake for 2.5 years. Look at his eyes, he is constantly hallucinating.

I can't stand up on my own. Will you gently roll me over to the litter box so I can take a dump?

Not sure if domestic cat or tiny lion.

Takes up entire litterbox, has feces stuck to his underbelly 24/7.

Help me! I've fallen and I can't get up!

Just set the plate down and walk away and nobody gets hurt.

Notice how 5 of these cats are orange? And my orange cat looks like freaking Skeletor! I could see him staying up late at night plotting how to kill He-Man. I guess I need to leave pounds of ground beef around the house for him.

Eye See You!

thedingleberry — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 01:14:19 +0000

Today I went to the eye doctors. Unfortunately, I had to get new glasses even though I just got new glasses last year. My eyes have gotten even worse, I feel like I’m 80. I also had to get the pressure checked in my eyes which meant that they had to put numbing drops in my eyes and then poke them with this thing that looked like a giant pen. That was very uncomfortable and will give me nightmares for the next couple of weeks. They also dilated my pupils with more eye drops and then took a picture of the insides of my eyes to check for detached retinas and glaucoma. Fortunately I didn’t have either but they said that I would probably have glaucoma in the future. They also gave me an awesome picture of the insides of my eyes that I can frame and hang on my wall and creep out anybody that comes over to visit.

Can you spot the early warning signs of glaucoma?

Of course I couldn’t resist the fun of holding this creepy picture of the insides of my eyeballs to my face and chasing The Mrs. and the cat around the house with it.

Eye see you! And yes, I know I desperately need to brush my teeth.

And then I ate a bunch of cotton candy Pop Rocks, now I’m pretty sure I have cavities and type II diabetes.

Pop Rocks = poor man's crack