Awesome toys I need to add to my collection

This toy is called You Can Shave the Baby, it’s a baby doll with oddly placed body hair that you can apparently shave off. The doll has a strange hair helmet that is an unnatural orange color. It also has a pair of suspenders growing out of its armpits. It also has a lot of pubes for a baby, along with an strange growth of hair on it’s ankles. If anyone had a baby that had this amount of hair growing out of it you are probably either a meth addict or have been screwing around with your first cousin.

One of my favorites would have to be Baby Glutton, it is a breast-feeding baby doll. This thing is just creepy and disturbing. It comes with a halter top with magnetic heart shaped nipple things on it so that it can pretend to breast feed. Actually, I don’t think I want to add either of these toys to my collection. They would probably creep out anyone who came into my house, and just owning them would probably put me on some kind of list with the FBI.Something I would like to own, however are the stuffed STDs, even if The Clap doesn’t look very realistic to me. The Chlamydia doll is actually kind of cute, that’s a pretty name Chlamydia, I would like to call my future daughter that, well at least if it wasn’t the name of a venereal disease.
I love this Buzz Lightyear cup too, not sure what is so wrong about it but it is making me thirsty.

Now it is time for the weekly bro update. The Mrs. recently joined Four Square last night and searched for locations near our house. One of the locations is one of the apartments next to ours where a group of bros live. There apartment is titled the “Daddy Pad” and someone commented on it with a tip: “lookout for homosexual antics”. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a homosexual.

The dingleberry now has his collar back and now he’s not running around the house nude anymore. Yay!

Ejector Head Action!

The Swedish Falcon just gave me one of the most awesome things that I have ever seen. It is a Marie Antoinette action figure with Ejector Head Action!  She found it at a Goodwill. I am totally holding back the urge to open the package and play with it. I keep wondering how powerful the ejecting head is, it also has a removable Wig and Dress so you can prepare her for the guillotine, which is not included. I wonder who made this thing. It also has a disclaimer that it is not suitable for children under 3 years old. Who would buy a Marie Antoinette action figure with a removable head for a 2 year old? I know I would, but most people probably wouldn’t. It also has bonus factoids on the back including her weapon of choice: cleavage. Best action figure ever, still looking for a John Lennon action figure with bullet hole action and bonus Mark David Chapman figure complete with pistol to add to my collection. I must put this on display in my living room. Now I just need to find a Toadster somewhere…

Today I went to Kohls because I got a 20% off coupon in the mail. Bought a new comforter because my old one got messed up in the washer and all of the stuffing got stuck into a big tumorous lump in one corner and I couldn’t figure out how to get it evenly distributed again. Anyway, the dingleberry is obsessed with the new comforter and will not get off of it. He told me that the Mrs. and I would have to sleep on the floor from now on because he has claimed the bed and the comforter for himself.

Bro update: today there was a bro pulling into the parking lot who apparently was driving around shirtless for some reason, I guess that he was trying to show off his abs or something. Was going to take a picture but thought it would be weird to snap pictures of a shirtless dude in the parking lot.

More shopping cart madness

Today I received another picture from the Squirrel Queen. It appears that another shopping cart has been abandoned near her house. This time it is across the street in front of her neighbor’s house. She also reports that the previous shopping cart is still lying in the ditch next to her house.

What did the shopping carts ever do to deserve this abuse?

The bros are also at it again. There are more questionable items laying out on the porch. The George Foreman grill is still laying there complete with drip tray. But now they have also added some fly paper to the banister. What is the purpose of having fly paper on the porch? Especially since it is just unraveled near the steps like a wet noodle? Are they trying to catch flies outside? Shouldn’t this be in there house, they keep removing the screen from their door letting all kinds of creepy crawlies inside, it would make logical sense to have the fly paper in their house. Also notice the Honda Abomination is in the fire lane yet again! Note all of the cars in the parking lot, that is because a funeral is going on next door and the Abomination is taking up space from the Funeral Home patrons. Such disrespect for the deceased.

The fly paper was only the first new item that has been placed on the porch. There is also a random dresser drawer next to the garbage can that previously contained recyclables that they dumped in the dumpster instead of the recycling bins which are full of their nasty trash again. Where is the rest of the dresser? Why does it only have one drawer and why is it laying outside on the porch without the rest of it? There are so many unanswered questions here. The George Foreman grill is also visible in the right hand corner. I have no clue why it is still laying there and whether it is trash or if they plan on using it. This is totally mind boggling.

As I type this, Rowan Fitzgerald, aka the dingleberry is laying on the floor again looking dead with his head on backwards and it is totally freaking me out!

George Foreman wouldn’t approve

This afternoon I went outside to the back porch and the sack lunch that was laying their last  night was gone, wonder if somebody ate it or if it was taken away by bears. In it’s place, there was a George Foreman grill randomly laying on the porch including the fat catching tray.Do not know why it is there, there is no power outlet nearby and I don’t know why anyone would cook with a small kitchen appliance on the wooden floor of a porch.

There was also a kitchen garbage can next to the grill which contained boxes of Bud Light, beer bottles and what appeared to be an article of clothing, probably some kind of shirt. And it was sitting next to a giant ass mop. Notice how there are a bunch of recyclables in a garbage can and garbage in the recycle bins. Somebody has things a little backwards here.But that is just the tip of the iceberg. I took a stroll around to the front of the bro’s half of the duplex and found a box sitting on their front  steps next to about 2 weeks worth of mail in their mailbox. The box contained about 4 more McFlurry cups, tchese guys most really love their small sized McDonalds Blizzard rip-offs.  There is also some beer bottles and plastic wrap, it seems that their garbage has started to migrate to the front of their house as well. Maybe they are planning on mailing their trash to the landfill. Later today when the Mrs. and I were coming home we happened to see 2 cars parked in the fire lane again. There were a couple of bromosexuals sitting in the front seat waiting for the other bro that drives the Honda Abomination to come out of his house. He was wearing a wife beater and one shoe and hopped on one foot to the car. The car’s trunk was open and the one bro with one shoe got out then got into his car, which I thought he was going to actually move in respect to the funeral going on (there is a funeral home right next door, and the fire lane is part of the funeral home parking lot). But no, he grabbed something out of his car then jumped in the other bros car. I can only imagine where they are going tonight. There is probably going to be alcohol, shirtless men, Katy Perry music, and baby oil for their abs and lots of other things that are borderline homosexual.

It was better back in the day when Hdog and her two awesome cats Nico and Eli lived with us. There was no garbage on the porch or random shirtless dudes playing cornhole in the front yard and dancing around to pop music in the middle of the night. Her cats were awesome because they were crazy and one of them humped a stuffed animal once even though I did not witness it first hand. The Mrs. told me that it happened. The dingleberry and our former cat, Riley, may he rest in peace, really liked those two and they would all lay around together doing cat stuff.

I am really going to miss the bros after we move, there will not be anyone to leave garbage around with sack lunches and questionable items strewn about the property. However our new place has a pool and air conditioning and there is less likely to be people urinating on our windows at 3 in the morning and tacking stuffed animals to the trees.

The Return of the Bro-di

So we came home today from my parent’s house to be greeted with some lovely treasure on our back porch. First there were several beer cans and bottles strewn about the porch. There was more McDonald’s trash in the recycle bins including a burger wrapper and 2 half-eaten McFlurries. It is a well-known fact that bros cannot read and do not understand the concept of recycling.

Note that the recyclable items are nowhere near the recycle bin.

Next I walked up onto the porch and noticed that the bros had removed the screen from their screen door and left it sitting next to a half empty trash bag. What purpose did this serve? Do they have something against screens? Are they not bothered by the gross amount of bugs that will now be entering their house through the opening in their door? I am completely baffled.

The most unsettling thing of all is a random sack lunch sitting out in the sunlight. It’s contents include a sandwich, an apple, a ziploc bag full of goldfish crackers, and a couple packs of gushers (seriously, gushers, who in the blue hell eats gushers nowadays?). Not only is it hours passed lunch time and the food has been sitting out in the 90 degree weather for several hours, it is also in a full size Giant Eagle brown paper bag which is way too large for the small amount of food items inside.

 

These guys are in their early 20′s, why are they packing lunches that I would have eaten in middle school? And more importantly why is it just sitting on the back porch? They aren’t even home right now, they must be pretty hungry though since they left their delicious meal behind.

The Squirrel Queen has sent me a lovely picture from the local grocery store where she lives. Enjoy it in all of its redneck white trash glory:Just a normal day at the old Giant Eagle parking lot. Sitting in the back of my truck? With all of my personal belongings and/or garbage. Nothing to see here, just going about my business as usual.

Today I purchased a book at Borders and it is amazing and only cost me $5.99 plus tax. It is called the “Sexy Book of Sexy Sex” and it was written by the girl that plays the crazy stalker on Flight of the Conchords and a guy that writes for The Daily Show. It is hilarious, expect my book review once I finish reading it. You can just tell by the cover that it is going to be awesome.

 

Bros… bros… everywhere!

Today the Mrs.  and I were out getting our hair cut and happened to pass by a group of bros in a Mustang. OMG there was four of them and they were all shirtless wearing gold chains,and riding around in a convertible. They were probably going off to the tanning salon or going home to rub oil on each other’s abs and wrestle topless, or whatever bros do with their spare time. Why are so many of the young adult males douche bags? Is it because we are in a college town? They seem to be everywhere! It’s bad enough that they have invaded my home. I also spotted a pair coming out of the candy store, probably buying chocolates to lick off each other’s nipples. Sometimes I wish they would all be mauled by a mob of angry dachshunds.  I can imagine it now, “don’t maul me bro!”. Hahahahaha.

Reminds me of one of my favorite videos:

Today is a day that will live in infamy

Today was a pretty dull day. We went on a walk at the local park which smelled like a recently deceased corpse was rotting near by. I searched and I searched and could not find said corpse however the putrid stench of death remained and it sort of smelled like my recycling bins which are now full of Taco Bell leftovers which must have been added last night along with other things that cannot be recycled. I am tempted to set the recycle bins out on the lawn to be collected by the recycle truck, whom will probably not take the “recyclables” because 95% of the material in them cannot be recycled because they are pillows and half eaten food along with styrofoam.

This afternoon the Mrs. and I took a nap because we were up until 4AM because my wife is an insomniac. We were very tired in the afternoon after we woke up and had some breakfast. She would not let me sleep until she fell asleep.  My cat who shall be referred to as the dingleberry would not leave us alone. He keeps being bad and scratching at the furniture with his non-existent claws. He also will whine loudly with his high pitched voice which is more high pitched than my voice believe it or not. He will meow at me because he wants his senior food because he is an old man and eats Purina One Vibrant Maturity 7+, he is 8. He is also addicted to steroids which are supplied to him from his veterinarian, he does not like to take his steroids and likes to spit them out at me which pisses me off! However Professor S the Magnificent can administer his medication without any retaliation. This also pisses me off because I need assistance from the Mrs. to give him his pills because he such a bad little kitty. Plus he lays around the house all day pretending to be dead but he isn’t dead he is just hot because we do not have air conditioning until we move in 3 weeks then he probably will stop pretending to be dead but he might not because he is a bastard but I love him anyway.

It is so hot in my house that I cannot wear pants, this is insane. We have no air conditioning and it was like 85 degrees but the weather channel said that it felt like 90 whatever that means. It is like an oven in here, my skin feels like it is about to boil off and look like a bucket of KFC chicken.  I also need the Mrs. to shave my back, I am approaching 30 and have noticed that I am starting to develop hair in places in which I formerly did not have hair and it is starting to disturb me greatly. They do not tell you about these things in school, I think they should. I also have started growing hair in my ears as well and it doesn’t even help me hear any better, I thought it would be cool if it worked like an antenna and I could pick up radio stations but it doesn’t do anything! What a bunch of crap. Getting old is not very fun, just ask my stretch marks.

Bromosexuals

So me and the fam get back from watching the  fireworks and they want to recycle their empty water bottles. I had to inform them that they could not recycle their bottles because we live next to a bunch of bros who do not understand what the word recycle means. They put inappropriate items in our recycle bins.  We live in a duplex which is now a sausage fest full of bros so we are moving out in 3 weeks.  The bros have totally desecrated our recycle bins, they have put pillows and take out containers full of salad from a local eatery into our recycle bins, these things do not recycle. What in the blue hell are they thinking? You cannot recycle a pillow or a half eaten salad, are you people mad?

Here is a little background information on the “bros”. They like to park in the fire lane next to our house, you cannot legally park in a fire lane and cops go by and do not do anything. Me and the Swedish Falcon, my mother-in-law, believe that they are involved with the local police department in some way. They never get a ticket though my father-in-law, Professor S The Magnificent, got threatened by the police for parking in the same spot for 3 minutes to exterminate a bat from our old neighbors apartment.  If there is a fire we will all be burned beyond recognition because the bros block the fire lane daily even when there is a funeral going on next door.

They also leave trash all over our porch in which we share. Raccoons have gotten into the trash that they have left and spread it all over our porch along with their feces. There is still a toothbrush embedded in the cracks of the porch. They also had a congratulations graduate mug that they left sitting outside for weeks, I stole it and gave it away to a good friend of mine who hates buses and likes mugs. Take that bros.

Not only do they leave trash on the porch and throw non-recyclable items into our recycle bins they also stay up all night and have strange parties next door while blasting the song “Fireworks” by Katy Perry constantly in the middle of the night. I also hear the sound of wheels along the wooden floor while they play the song. I have no idea what they are doing in there, they may be part of a Satanic cult. What self respecting male homosapien  would listen to Katy Perry’s “Fireworks”  every night of the week.

Not only do they park in the fire lane right next to the sign that says in big red letters “No Parking Fire Lane” they have their “friends” come over and they park in the fire lane too and stay all night and take up the parking lot that is reserved for funerals. Then they go into the house and drink their beer and listen to their Katy Perry music with the bros who live next door and do whatever it is they do over there which is probably sexual in nature. I do not mind their sexual orientation I just do not like them because they are idiots.