New Inventions For Bros

I have come up with some new inventions for all you bros out there, or broventions, as I like to call them. If you are a 20-something fratboy, idiot, hipster, drunken retard, etc. you will love these.

Brojazzling

It is a lot like Vajazzle, but for bros. In case you never heard of vajazzling, it is when you shave off all of your pubic hair and have a bunch of jewels glued around your vagina in various shapes and designs. Brojazzle is the same idea, except for dudes.

It’s like this but with cock.

 

Brotorcycles

I saw a bunch of bros today on motorcycles driving around, so I thought of a new invention, motorcycles for bros. There are enough midlife-cricycles on the road already, so why not brocycles? I’m still working on a prototype for a brocycle but it would probably include a fold out beer pong table and a sound system that can crank out horrible tunes like Nickelback and wake up the entire neighborhood at 2:00 in the morning. It would also be recumbent.

It would look like this, except it would be motorized.

Bro-toilets

Since bros like pissing on things that are not toilets, I am going to invent things that are super absorbent so they can be peed on frequently. Since they like peeing on couches, floors, women, trees, red solo cups, etc. it seems like a logical invention. I could invent something like a rubber couch with a drainage system for urine. Or clothes for hos that repel piss. Although it is unlikely that this invention would catch on since that would make these items acceptable things to urinate on making them unappealing to bros.

Fact, bros always have at least one couch with numerous piss stains. And usually at least one of these stains is in an illogical location, such as the top cushion. Also, the couches are usually located anywhere but the living room, they can be found on the roof, porch, on top of the refrigerator, or any other nonsensical location.

 

A Local Radio Station Is Having A Contest And The Winner Gets To Play Blackjack With Nickelback. Can You Choose Suicide Instead?

100.7 WMMS in Cleveland is having a contest where you win a trip to Vegas to watch Nickelback in concert plus they give you $5,000 to play blackjack with the band afterwards. I would be fine with a trip to Vegas but it sucks that you would be forced to attend a god-awful concert and then have to hang out with one of the lamest rock bands of all time. Last I heard they were touring with Bush which would make the concert half-way decent, I almost thought about buying some tickets when I heard Bush was going to be playing nearby, but decided against it because that meant I would be giving money to Nickelback which would just further the myth that they make good music.

Seriously though, why in the blue hell would anyone want to play blackjack with Nickelback? It would just be kind of awkward, I don’t like playing blackjack with complete stranger, let alone a bunch of douchebags that make soulless songs about drinking, drugs, sex with hos, and the trials and tribulations of being a total douche. Plus the contest winner gets to be accompanied by 5 friends, so you actually have to be able to find 5 people who like Nickelback to go with you, that can’t be easy.  I know there are a bunch of people out there that I am on the Nickelback hating bandwagon, but I have always hated them even before it was cool, just ask Hipster Cat:

I would prefer to just keep the $500o and use it however I wanted in Vegas, like banging legal prostitutes or doing anything that didn’t involve Nickelback. I mean are you really going to have an intelligent discussion with Nickeback, other than talk about how there music reminds you of plain cheese pizza and vanilla ice cream? Seriously, do they really have that many fans? I never understood their popularity, their songs are played repeatedly on every rock station and people must be buying their music because they keep coming out with new songs. I just don’t get it! They have been around for over a decade and they still haven’t come out with a song that I would voluntarily listen to more than once, and I have yet to meet a single person who has admitted to liking them!

It apparently is a nationwide contest, ugh. Here is a link to the story: http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/news/nickelback-blackjack-20120409

One of the many reasons I have lost all faith in humanity.

Why Nickleback’s New Song Is Terrible, An In-Depth Analysis

Before I start, I know that analyzing Nickleback songs for quality is like digging through a piece of poop looking for gold. Everyone asks me why I think Nickleback sucks, so I am going to post the lyrics to their new song “Bottoms Up” so you can see for yourself just how horrible they are at writing songs.

Who’s coming with me, to kick a hole in the sky?

I love the whiskey, let’s drink that shit til its dry. 

A song about drinking. Wow! How original! There’s only been about 12,000,000 songs on the subject already.  What in the blue hell does kick a hole in the sky even mean? Who says that? “I love the whiskey”, talk about lazy song-writing, let’s just sing about random items around the house that we like. Hey look! There’s a cat! I love cats. Let’s pet them until they scat.

So grab a Jim Beam, JD, whatever you need.
Have a shot from the bottle, doesn’t matter to me. 
‘Nother round, fill ‘er up , hammer down, grab a cup, bottoms up! 

Name some random brands of alcohol, drink from the bottle, Chad doesn’t care. Yes, the lead singer of Nickleback’s name is Chad, I am not making this up. Let’s just say as many generic terms for drinking more alcohol as we can think of. They forgot “take a knee and chug”, and I thought they were supposed to be real bros.

This is what it’s all about, no one can slow us down.
We ain’t gonna stop until the clock runs out. 
Bottoms up!
Hell can’t handle all of us, so get your bottles up. 
Drinkin’ every drop until it all runs out. 
‘Nother round, fill ‘er up, hammer down, grab a cup, bottoms up!

We are going to get drunk all night and nobody can stop us, not even cirrhosis of the liver with jaundice! Lame chorus full of unoriginal metaphors for drinking repeated again.

Ohh, bottoms up…

So grab your best friends and make your way to the bar.
But keep your distance, we’re gonna light it on fire. 
We’re drinking black tooth, 80 proof, straight gasoline.
Slam as much as you can take and hand the bottle to me.
‘Nother round, fill ‘er up, hammer down, grab a cup, bottoms up!

You better take all of your friends to the bar, but look out because Nickleback is going to burn it down! Or they are at least going to play crappy fratboy music until everyone goes to a bar where there’s halfway decent music playing. They are drinking 80 proof liquor? Seriously, that is only like 40% alcohol, that is not very strong liquor and definitely not even close to gasoline.

This is what it’s all about, no one can slow us down.
We ain’t gonna stop until the clock runs out.
Bottoms up!
Hell can’t handle all of us, so get your bottles up.
Drinkin’ every drop until it all runs out.
‘Nother round, fill ‘er up, hammer down, grab a cup, bottoms up!

Seriously, guys? You just repeated the entire second verse… oh wait a minute the rest of the song is just repetition of the second verse over and over again. It was like they said let’s write a song about drinking, then could only come up with 3 verses full of generic drinking terms. So they just gave up and started singing the second verse repeatedly hoping that nobody notices.

Ohh, bottoms up…

This is what it’s all about, no one can slow us down.
We ain’t gonna stop until they throw us all out.
Hell can’t handle all of us, so get your bottles up.
Drinkin’ every drop until it all runs out.

This is what it’s all about, no one can slow us down.
We ain’t gonna stop until the clock runs out.
Bottoms up!
Hell can’t handle all of us, so get your bottles up.
Drinkin’ every drop until it all runs out.
‘Nother round, fill ‘er up, hammer down, grab a cup, bottoms up!

‘Nother round, fill ‘er up, hammer down, grab a cup, bottoms up!

Seriously, repeating the same thing over and over again is just lazy. The more times you hear this verse the more your realize just how terrible the lyrics are.

Awesome song, bros.