Went out by the mall the other day and went into Ambiance and saw some of the most weirdest/awesome things for “lovers”.
Bondage Bed sheets
They are bed sheets with restraints attached. Those bed sheets would be really difficult to wash, and you would probably have to wash them frequently. But, most importantly, WTF is going on in the picture on the box? Why does that guy have a bright red penis attached to his belly button, and why is attached to a string like a puppet?
Whatever this thing is. Seriously what is this thing? It’s like some kind of oddly shaped pillow for you to hump, with an optional fleshlight. As if owning a fleshlight wasn’t bad enough, you can now have a giant piece of furniture to stick it in. Good luck explaining that to anyone who happens to come into your house. Although, you probably don’t have many people over if you own one of these anyway.
A headband with flashing penises on it. I know it’s for a bachelorette party, but still, come on! Why would anyone wear that on their head? It has no practical purpose other than being hilarious. This reminds me of my awesome idea for a Halloween costume: Dildo Baggins, you get a hobbit outfit and dress up like Bilbo Baggins from Lord of the Rings but you wear a dildo on your head and carry around a bunch of dildos and possibly have a utility belt full of dildos. Don’t steal my idea, I am totally doing this next year.Penis Water Bottle. This one is self explanatory. I totally want to buy one of these and take it to the gym and just act totally normal like it’s perfectly acceptable for me to be drinking out of a giant blue penis.
Penis Ice Mold. You can make a giant ice sculpture that looks like genitalia in your own freezer! Wow! What great achievements we have made with science over the years. I love how you can pour drinks in it and they will come out of it to look like it’s peeing. I would make a bunch of these and randomly place them around town in the winter, they would last for months.
Pregnancy Test From Dollar Tree. This one isn’t really X rated it’s just disturbing. I wouldn’t trust a pregnancy test that cost $1 at a store where everything costs $1.